Hello, Ryan’s Mom.
This is Michael (aka eKim), a volunteer here at Canadian Virtual Hospice.
I am so sorry for your loss and the stress that you are enduring.
I can’t imagine what you are going through. The closest that I can come to is to imagine this happening to one of my two grown children. I think that I would have the same reaction as you.
It can be said that your response is normal compared to others, but that’s no help, is it? It sounds like a platitude.
Each one of the issues that you mentioned can best be addressed by a professional, like the psychologist that you will be seeing. It sounds like you are on the right track by doing this.
I have lost 5 family members in the last several years. The grieving process is very difficult, I have found.
In our grief, oftentimes we become beautifully childlike in our neediness and vulnerability. We wish (just like when we were very young) for someone to hold us tenderly and tell us that everything will be all right, in time. Our intellect fights this, but our emotions desire it.
Everything that we are told in grief counselling is valid. It is a science developed over many decades and studying its effect on thousands of people.
We can see its value, but what if we are not able to take advantage of its guidance? What if we are just not ready?
As a hospice volunteer (I am not a professional) with 14 years of experience, I have seen this many times. Sometimes it is necessary to meet a person “where they’re at”.
If they are not ready to begin the long path on the road to healing (which suggests moving forward), then instead of walking with them, we must sit quietly with them until they are ready to move forward.
This is where the Canadian Virtual Hospice Forum comes in. We are a team of volunteers - compassionate companions and good listeners who love people and love helping people. We have suffered our own losses and understand that from great pain arises great compassion.
I have found that one great need that many people have is to talk about their loss, talk about their loved one.
Sometimes after the initial outpouring of support, the people that we thought would “be there” for us for the long term, have moved on with their own busy lives. If you still need to "get things off your chest", we are here for you.
If you wish, you can continue a dialogue with us by posting here – once a day/week/month or whatever you need.
You can post as often or as little as you need to. Don’t worry if you repeat the same things over and over and over – we don’t mind.
Often it is in the repetition that we discover our own answers which were hidden deeply inside ourselves.
Also, the act of writing can be very therapeutic.
Please come back to us here and we will try to help you find some peace.
- Michael
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PS How is it going with the psychologist?