Hi everyone and happy 2013,
Over the recent holidays, my Grandma whom I'm very close with was diagnosed with cancer after being hospitalized with what was thought to be severe sciatic nerve pain in mid-December. The cancer was first discovered in her hip, where they determined it was advanced and then late last week after a CT scan of her chest they found a mass in her lungs near her heart. Her doctors just confirmed that the source of the cancer is her lungs and that it's stage IV which has spread to her hip and is causing her a lot of pain. They have also informed us that it's not curable, and that chemotherapy is not recommended due to her age (79) and her diabetes. They've recommended radiation to help get her mobile (she's been bed-ridden for weeks) and she has decided to undergo treatment starting next week.
Until now, I have been fortunate not had any cancer in my family or close friends and though I know cancer survivors, I've not been faced with the challenge of something this...well, close and finite in my 31 years. Simply put, my incredible grandma is the glue that holds our little family together; she is and has always been a tough, proud and amazing role model for all of us and I'm so afraid to lose her, but more so, to see her in pain, struggling or unhappy.
Now dealing this reality, I'm having a very difficult time figuring out how to feel/act/live my life normally. I'm feeling low, less motivated by things that matter to me and so afraid of what the next year will hold for her and of our family.I find I have times where I'm almost relieved to at least be armed with the knowledge of what we're dealing with despite the gravity of it all, then the next moment I'm paralyzed with grief and fear of what my life will be like without her just a phone call away. Furthermore, I live a distance from her (in BC and she's in AB), so I just feel helpless and sometimes guilty that I can't be there to see her and support her as often as I'd like.
I'm grateful for so many things, but right now I am feeling blinded by the fear and uncertainty with all this knowledge.I was blessed to be able to see her daily for a week over Christmas (which is when we first recieved the diagnosis) and she has been in good spirits overall. I guess I'm just unsure of what the future holds for all of us.
I don't know if I need advice, but jsut having a place to type it out and talk with others feels like a relief.