Since learning that my sister has cancer and the outlook isn't good, I've found myself on a roller coaster of feelings.
Although I am doing everything I can to be strong for her and for myself, I find that I'm often overwhelmed with tremendous guilt. I want to call her, but afraid of the possibility of waking her up...or thinking to myself (how can we celebrate, when she's going through everything she is and suffering the pain of cancer/treatment.) I also find that I have no tolerance and become rather annoyed with everyone around me.
Being choked up is part of my everyday now, but I tend to stop myself (although I've been told this is a normal reaction)as I almost force myself to push it out of my mind...unwilling to accept that she won't get better. Feel as though I am moving around in a fog or a daze.
I also know that she is not ready for her siblings to see her in the condition she's in right now and although I have to respect her wishes, am afraid that if I am not given the opportunity to see her soon, that I won't have that chance before she dies.
My dear sweet sister...how I wish I could take her pain.
Anyone feel the same way?