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Lost my mother to lung cancer 
Créé par LisaAnne
10 juin 2024, 19 h 24

On May 30th my mother died of lung cancer.  We had a very difficult relationship throughout my life.  She actually didn't really like me...I didn't live the way she wanted me to, I didn't dress how she wanted me to, I didn't have enough money to impress her...nothing I ever did was good enough.  She moved to my brother's in BC, I live in Ontario.  He was her shining star.  I was adopted and he was her biological child and she made sure I knew where I stood but I still tried over my life to gain her acceptance and just wanted her to like me.  A week and a half before she passed she bought me a ticket to go see her, she acted as though she liked me and wanted to see me...I was excited to see her.  She died 12 hours before I arrived and now I'm devastated and don't even know why.  When I got there you'd never of known if even existed, not a picture, her life existed totally without a daughter.  She left my brother everything, he wouldn't even read the will in front of me.  She left a ziplock bag with 3 pieces of costume jewelry in it for me...I honestly felt like she wanted to make sure I knew in the end that I meant nothing to her.  She owned A LOT of jewelry but left it all for my brother and his wife and daughter I guess...my kids got nothing.  I feel really hurt, like she almost got enjoyment out of humiliating me one last time in her life and I feel foolish for even grieving for someone who had such demise for me.  I don't care about what she had in the end of who gets what but I felt very insulted with what she did leave, nothing would have been better, that's more what I expected.  I did not bring the ziplock baggie home with me.  I left it behind, I was embarrassed to show my kids, who my son was very close to her, what she left behind while my brother walked away with everything.  I'm sad that I didn't get to see her before she passed...the whole situation is sad and I feel like things are just kind of done, no resolution, no apologies, no I hated you since you came to us...nothing at all😥
 
Réponse de Seeker
11 juin 2024, 1 h 34

Hello Lisaanne, I am glad that you are reaching out for support. This forum is here for you whenever and as often as you like. 
Your hurt, disappointment, anger and grief are real. You have a right to feel all of these tumbling emotions. Just because you and your mother had a stormy relationship doesn't change that.
Quite often people grieve the mothers they never had....and now have no possibility of changing that relationship.
We often say as long as there is life, there is hope. You may have secretly hoped that things could be different between you and your mother. When she sent you rhe fare to go and see her, you must have felt even more hopeful. It is so understandable that you feel even more hurt and angry than you did before.
I believe it is not too late to change the way things were between you and your mother. It may take a lot of effort on your part, but I believe that kind of work can bring peace and acceptance in time. You might want to consider getting some help working through your relationship with her. You may want to consider writing her letters and telling her all the things you would like to say to her....and all the things you would have told her if you had had the opportunity to make some kind of peace with her before she died.
I believe it is never too late to work on a relationship. Even though she is now dead, you will always be her daughter and she will always be your mother. If the relationship you had brings you pain and anger, you may wish to consider working through it so that you have some peace.

I wish you strength and the ability to be gentle with yourself.

 
Réponse de LisaAnne
11 juin 2024, 10 h 56

I am really struggling with her death, with so much left unsaid and in the last 7 years the only time I saw her was dead...it's not sitting well with me. It consumes my thoughts at times.  I actually do have a therapist but don't connect with her again until mid month as I had to reschedule to go to see my mom but I do have someone to talk to and I had already planned on writing some letters to her.  I did write a letter to her that was with her when she was cremated but it was not a very thought out letter, it was a spur of the moment thing at the funeral home.  I need to take some time to write what's really on my mind.  I just really feel ripped off for so many reasons...her lack of maternal instincts really affected me and then when I was getting the opportunity to forgive her for all the hurt throughout my life, she died right before I got there.  A part of me feels as though she only bought that ticket because the cancer had gone into her brain and she wasn't of sound mind because she didn't like me right up until 3 weeks before she died.  I felt a bit foolish even going to see her...I'm so torn.  Thank you for listening.  
 
Réponse de Seeker
11 juin 2024, 11 h 07

Hello Lisaanne; all I can say is to try to be gentle with yourself. When you went to try to see your mother one last time, you were brave. You bravely chose hope. You bravely took a risk that maybe this time would be different. You bravely chose to take a chance. You bravely chose life. The fact that it didn't turnout as you had hoped in no way changes that. You showed tremendous courage and a belief in life. That is something to be proud of. Stand tall and say what you would say to a dear friend going through a similar situation. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
 
Réponse de LisaAnne
11 juin 2024, 11 h 17

Thank you for your responses, it really means a lot that someone is listening, I'm finding it very hard to be real about this and my feelings with those around me.  It's all so very raw and I'm trying to be strong for my kids who I know are quietly struggling with how this all went.  It's one of the toughest times in my life in a very long time.  I've fought my way through many battles but this is a totally different kind of battle, it's emotional...I don't do well with emotions, especially to do with my mom...I never expected to be sad like I am...the struggle is so real.


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