Hello,
It'svery hard when a loved one isn't able or interested in communicating, even in good times, let alone when you are facing a critical time as you are. I remember saying things to my partner that were unkind and even ugly, and then feeling horrible.
Do have compassion on yourself. You are in a very difficult situation. I hope you will find someone(s) nearby to share with. Holding you in the light.
Nouce