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First time here

Started by MargMarie

29 Jan 2021, 11:46 PM

Hello everyone
This is my first time on any kind of discussion forum. My husband ended his life in October, which shocked everyone who knew him. Our daughter found him, and is really struggling. I don't know how to help her and would welcome any suggestions.

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

30 Jan 2021, 5:28 AM

Dear MargMarie,
'Welcome here' sounds strange even as I write it, but I do welcome you here - a safe place to talk and grieve. I know that others in the community will come along to support you as well. You and your families loss and grief are hard I am sure in so many ways. I am checking into resources you might find helpful for your daughter. We can't always protect our kids from trauma - especially such unexpected trauma.

It can be so hard to grieve the loss of your husband, and perhaps trying to understand the 'why' of his death knowing that your daughter needs your support more than ever. Do you find yourself putting your needs to the back a bit? As a parent I always want - even tho my daighter is grown and married - to make sure she has all she needs.

How are you managing MargMarie to keep putting one foot in front of the other?
warm Virtual hugs,

Katherine

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Reply by TrevorL

30 Jan 2021, 5:40 PM

Hello Margmarie,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine how difficult the past few months have been for you and your daughter. Though I do not have a daughter, I can appreciate the uncertainty you are feeling about how to discuss difficult topics with children – and suicide can be one of the hardest. Below I have included an article that I found helpful from the Virtual Hospice Network on speaking with children. I am not sure how old your daughter is and how she has been struggling, but I hope that this guide can provide some guidance in your discussions with her.

https://www.virtualhospice.ca/Assets/CAMH%20-%20When%20a%20parent%20dies%20by%20suicide_20170914105138.pdf

To echo Katherine, I hope that you are receiving the support for yourself as well and wish you warmth and support both inside and outside our online community in the coming weeks and months.

Sincerely,

Trevor

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

30 Jan 2021, 11:41 PM

Hi again Margmarie,
I am not sure how old your daughter is, so this may not be an appropriate option but there is a kids and teens toll-free help line that people can call 24/7 1-800-668-6868. In this strange time of covid, it may not always be easy to get in person counseling - have you and/or your daughter been able to access support through counseling services?

After my husband died, I know that I was not always able to mother my daughter in the way I would have wanted to. Physcially and emotionally I was exhausted, but I think as the saying goes, love covers a multitude of sins.

I will add one more article to the great one suggested by Trevor, Grief Work. Fred writes that, "Experiencing the death of someone significant to us can be compared to experiencing a cut. The more significant and complex the relatiohship, the more severe the cut will be. In order to heal from the cut, and work through our grief, we need to heal from the inside out.. layer by layer. This usually requires keeping the cut open and exposed. This process can be quite painful." He goes on to say that, "grief work can be exhausting, often because we are striving to maintain a balance between pushing ourselves and allowing ourselves to be where we are."

Margmarie, I hope you are able to allow yourself to - be where you are.
Warmly,
Katherine

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Reply by Mert

31 Jan 2021, 7:52 PM

MargMarie, Thouth comparing one loss with anothr is likely ill-advised it seems nevertheless to be true that the loss of a loved one through suicide is the most complex and nulti-layered grief experience. There is all of the sense of loss and sorrow associated with any death in the family, and on top of that is usually a whole maelstrom of mixed emotions. There is guilt and self-blame as in 'I should have seen it coming. I should have stopped it'; we may know in our heads that when a person has lost their way and been dragged down into the dark place where they firmly believe that the world will be a better place without them it is very unlikely that anything anyone says or does is going to get through and change the course of events. But it's still hard to quiet the 'if onlys'.Then there's the anger that grows out of the awareness of helplessness and the fury over being abandoned; the inner dialogue is often something like 'How could you leave me? Why wasn't my love enough to keep you here?? How could you do this to me?" And finally, even though we live in a world that supposedly no longer blames and rejects the victims of suicide and their loved ones, there is still often a sense of shame that envelopes the loved ones left behind and sometimes makes it hard for them to talk openly with one others about what's happened and how they're feeling. MM, if you and your daughter are experiencing any of these things please be gentle with yourselves and recognize the complexity of the journey you have been catapulted into. I hope you will find help in some of the resources already suggested to you and continue to use us as safe ears to receive without judgment whatever feelings are the heardest to talk about to those close to you.

Sending healing energy to you and yours.

Mert

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Reply by MargMarie

31 Jan 2021, 10:12 PM

Thank you all for your kind responses. My daughter is 20 years old and was very close with her dad, she also struggles with anxiety and depression and now is being treated for PTSD, because she found him. Katherine, I have not sought out help yet, this has been my first avenue, I have been learning as much as I can about depression. Thank you Trevor for the links, I will check those out.Mert, your paragraph echoes so much of my internal feelings and questions. I know that the " what if's" are not productive, I just cannot get over the fact that I didn't realize how deep of a hole that he was in, and I am so scared of the same thing happening to my daughter. She lives with her boyfriend, so I don't feel like I can monitor her. I have a lot of good friends, who want to help , and my faith in my God has been sustaining me, but some days the hurt is gut wrenching!

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Reply by Mert

01 Feb 2021, 2:23 AM

MargMarie, I'm so glad to hear that your friends are standing by you. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed in situations of loss such as this and withdraw because they don't know what to say or how to help. It is such a blessing that you have that strong circle of support around you and your faith within you to sustain you. But, as you say, none of this stops the pain from being excruciating at times.
You say that your daughter is receiving treatment for her PTSD which I assume means she has a therapist she trusts and feels safe with. I think one of the most important things you can do for her is to encourage her to reach out for any and all supports that are available: for example if there's a 24-hour crisis line in your community, to call there if she can't sleep; perhaps there's a therapy group available particularly for family members who have lost a loved one to suicide. As you so clearly see and understand, the combination of the loss and the trauma of being the one to find her Dad is a very heavy load for a young person to carry. I do hear how worried you are for her and I'm sure you're taking every opportunity to let her know you love her. Yet it must be crazy-making at times to have to accept that there's nothing much beyond that you can do: just to be there when she needs you and to hold her in your heart and your prayers.

Mert

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Reply by MargMarie

01 Feb 2021, 10:01 AM

Thank you Mert, you are absolutely right with what you said about how I feel about everything concerning my daughter!

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