Dear Hospicenurse,
I'm glad you found us. I want to apologize for late reply. That's not the norm here but the time of year etc. is a lot for many.
Your reaction seems normal to me but I'm not an authority on this. Our family had similar situations and feelings amongst members. As people died, some took it extremely hard for each of their own reasons. It was a mix to total disregard despite showing up for the funeral etc. you'd never know they really didn't care anymore. Then there were those who were very angry after the death. For some it lasted a brief time, for others it went on a few years. Each sought counselling to have a place to try to process and make sense of it.
For those not involved or who didn't know the person as well as you did, or didn't have same experiences even, it can be hard for them to understand your feelings. Having been through this a few times in my family and with others, your feelings seem completely normal to me - understandable. It's a horrible thing to endure though so feel free to vent here.
Your name is Hospicenurse so I wondered are you actually a palliative care nurse? It's ok, just helps to understand and avoid stating the obvious as your experience is likely varied and good.
Sending you good thoughts. I'll be sure to check in here daily again. I got sidetracked by health issues (living with illness here - not terminal per se just a lot)
Carlyn