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Care taker stress and emotions

Started by Gg33

05 Apr 2022, 2:13 AM

i am my mom's care taker. She has terminal cancer. I never volunteered, it just happened. I have a hard time saying no. I love my mom and im not saying i dont want to but its so stressful. My dad won't help my brother won't either. my life is falling apart, im angry, sad, stressed, depressed. I'm still young and I can't get my life together because of this. I feel so bad even thinking about this let alone saying this but i just wish it would end already. There's so much more i want to say but i just cant seem to type it all out

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Reply by AdrienneM

06 Apr 2022, 1:48 AM

Hi GG33. I certainly understand what you are going through. It seems one family member gets the brundt of the caregiving and the others drift off. I am also caring for my mother, but I am back in my hometown and I have a few friends here who have been kind enough to have little get togethers, or we go to lunch etc. I am hoping you have some kind of outlet like that if you're in an area where you don't have a lot of friends then maybe you could join some groups or do something that would open up your life to a little bit of a diversion. I find that makes a big difference. It refreshes you if even for just a few hours. I hope that helps?

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Reply by AMT

06 Apr 2022, 3:23 AM

Dear GG33,

I'm so glad you found your way to the discusion forum. This is such a good place to share your thoughts and feelings. Some of us are volunteers and other are fellow grievers, everyone here relates in some way. I noticed that I wanted to immediately start offering suggestions and solutions but that isn't fair to you. You were quite clear about the jumble of feelings you are experiencing stemming from a great number of places. Your dad and brother, your mom, cancer, family dynamics, feeling trapped by circumstances outside your control. All of your feelings are relatable and understandable. The forum is a helpful place to come write those feelings out, especilly when they are overwhelming and threaten to spill out. I remember another post called "wishing for the end". You may find it helpful to read.

I hope you share more, when you find the words to type it out. Until then, I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Warmly,
AMT

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Reply by Mary09

07 Apr 2022, 5:28 AM

Hi GG33,
im sorry for all you are going through. I too am my moms caregiver...she also has terminal cancer. My dad does help but I basically take care of all her medical care...cooking and I spend a lot of my time taking care of actually both of them now. I have my own family and feel alot of guilt as my time is taken up looking after my mom that I feel I neglect my family. It's such a hard job being a caregiver and I am pretty sure it's safe to say that most caregivers have a hard time saying no. I know it's hard but is it an option to speak with your dad and brother? Do they know how this is affecting you? Perhaps they will pitch in more if they did. It is hard to ask for help but caregiving can be a long road and you need help anywhere you can get it. Even if it's hard it's worth trying because the alternative is giving up which I doubt will happen or you will continue to feel miserable and sadly sometimes become resentful. All of which is normal. What you're feeling is so normal given your circumstances. Please consider talking to your dad and brother and any other family members you may have. If they aren't willing to help with some responsibilities ask them what their solution is as you aren't able to do it by yourself. I'm so sorry this is so hard but I really do get it. This is an every day thing now and we don't know how long it will go on. It's good you have reached out for help. Please take care and let us know how you are doing.
Mary

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Reply by markinottawa

15 Apr 2022, 2:27 PM

I am also a caregiver for my mother and brother. Emotionally, I am in a similar situation - depressed, crying at times, not interested in things around me, feeling like I am stuck in a box and can't get out. I feel for you and wish you the best in the future. The things that help for me are using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, speaking to a counsellor, and speaking to my family doctor. This improves my reaction, but doesn't fix the root cause, but gets me to a better place emotionally, which is good. As I said, I wish you the best, keep in mind that what you are doing is good, your mom appreciates it, and us caregivers understand and your feelings are normal.

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

16 Apr 2022, 1:03 PM

Welcome Markinottawa,
I am struck by the importance of those 3 words - simple but so helpful, 'us caregivers understand'. And I think you are so right the root cause may not be fixable but finding support and recognizing things that can make it better, even for a time, are critical.

Finding support can often be a bottle neck - how did you find the support that you have?

Katherine

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Reply by machin

30 Apr 2022, 11:29 AM

Caregiver stress is due to the emotional and physical strain of caregiving. Caregivers report much higher levels of stress than people who are not caregivers. Many caregivers are providing help or are "on call" almost all day.

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Reply by Toronto girl

03 May 2022, 7:00 PM

This is how I am feeling also. Ugh. And just in the last week or so my Mom is getting rude, and mean and unappreciative. I have moved into her home, and put my life (and job)on hold to care for her. When she is mean and frankly bitchy I want to pack up and go home. I shouldn't be treated like that. I do know it's not "her" but to be emotioally abused by someone you are spending all day and every ounce of energy trying to care for is too much some days. Like today for example. 😞😓 After spending my time and money to go out and do all her shopping I arrived home to a snarky and judgemental remark about me being out spending money when in fact everything I got was for her. To make her happy and comfortable. Now she's giving me the silent treatment

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this type of behavior?? Do j just have to suck it up and pretend like nothing happened? Because right now I wanna pack up and head home for a few days. To teach her a lesson. The lesson being, I do a lot and you need me so stop being a b*tch?

😞😞😞😞

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Reply by Mary09

04 May 2022, 10:20 PM

Hi Toronto girl,
I have the same issues with my mom. We are for the most part very close but at times she can be this way too and it feels like a slap in the face. My mom has always had this tendency though long before she got sick. So yes it is because she is I'll....but also because she's always been that way. The fact she is sick just makes it harder to speak up. But that just leaves you feeling unappreciated and resentful...I get it. I wish I had advice for you because I'm in the same boat. I just try my hardest to accept I can't change her and to content myself that I know I'm doing my best. it's not easy though but you're a good daughter for helping her. Perhaps if you're able to talk to her about how you are feeling. I couldn't do that with my mom she would freak out on me but maybe you are able to talk to yours? Sending you hugs...understanding abd know you arent alone.
Mary

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Reply by Toronto girl

04 May 2022, 11:52 PM

Thank you Mary. Just knowing I'm not alone and you understand helps (hope it does for you also). As my friend Joe always reminds me... We are doing an impossible job. My Mom too was like that prior to getting sick..... But hearing mean words now is more powerful. I think all we can do is try out best every day (knowing in our heart we acted out of love), and understand their diseased brains are not accurate or intentional when they lasg out. At least that's what I tell myself. Big hugs. Breaks do hel so I hope you are getting those. Happy mother's day to you and your Mom.

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