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Started by Wingman
16 Feb 2022, 10:14 PM

I have never gone past the hospital.
The hospital- where I met the ambulance and travelled up the elevator with you to the cathlab- we talked briefly about the new calf and why I wasn't at work. I phoned my brothers and told them that I saw you and you were great and that I would update them once you were in a recovery room. I waited patiently for you, planning the questions I would need to ask you in order to manage the farm while you recovered. Planning how I would best rearrange my schedule to care for the 100+ cattle and 150 acres, until we could go back to doing it together.  After all, that was why I moved home a few short months ago,  after so long away- so I wouldn't regret missing the chance to farm alongside my dad and learn to eventually carry things forward. I am a farmers daughter.

I paused my planning at the sound of the Code Blue over the loudspeaker. Over and over- and over again.
I stopped my planning to listen as the doctor used words like "complication" and "unusual" and "no"

And so I went to see you again, and I sat there without any words. I took your ring off and put it on my thumb and looked to the nurse waiting on the other side of the curtain and said "how do you take the first step away?". She only answered with her eyes.

And so I walked out of the hospital and went to the farm to start doing the work that I was not ready for. I never looked back and have simply been doing your work ever since; there is much to do and I am inexperienced, but this is what I have and it consumes.

I did not look at you in the coffin, I did not watch the picture show, I did not read the leaflet so lovingly created by others for the services. This wasn't where you were- you were at the hospital the last time I saw you.

I face my chin up when they speak of you in the past tense- I close my ears when they say "was". For me there is no WAS. I don't give any credit to the idea of was; or past; or remember when.  I won't speak of you in the past which more often than not means I won't speak of you at all. For me, I won't even post this in the forum below.

I spend my time in the barns- where you are. I have made some changes to adapt to working alone and on a mangeable scale. I am doing my best to stay the course- to carry on from where we were even though there is only 1 set of footprints in the snow now.

I press forward, afraid to look back.

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Reply by NatR
17 Feb 2022, 1:22 AM

Dear Wingman,

what a heartfelt note.  I can feel your sorrow and your loneliness.  But I see that you find comfort in travelling the daily journey / thinking of you - thinking of the two of you.
I send you a hug, and will think of you .. Hoping that tomorrow and the next day are a little easier .  It's so hard to say good bye 👋🏻
best wishes NatR ❤️‍🩹 
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Reply by Mert
18 Feb 2022, 2:02 AM

WM, I've been holding you in my heart since reading your post yesterday.  I felt paralyzed by the power of your words, the depth of your pain; what could I possibly write in response to the rawness of your grief??  There are no words that adequate to respond to the depth of your sorrow,  the enormity of your loss, the bleakness of your despair as you see only your own set of footprints in the snow where there were supposed to be two.  But I believe that even inadequate words are better than no words at all.  So know that your voice has been heard; that I and others are resonating with your pain: remembering the moments of despair in our own lives; wrapping you in our arms even if the embrace is felt only in the heart.  I have huge admiration for your courage in carrying on: in picking up your father's legacy even though he didn't have the time to prepare you well for the responsibility and the work.  I don't what your beliefs are about what happens to people when they die; my beliefs allow for the possibility that he is right there walking with you in spirit even though there appears to be only 1 set of footprints in the snow.  If that thought brings you no comfort please just throw it away while staying aware that there are others who are here for you even if all we can do is listen.     Mert

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Reply by Nouce
20 Feb 2022, 11:41 PM

Dear WM,


I read your words with a deep sense of grief and loss--you conveyed those emotions so devastatingly. I also loved the intensity and conviction of your assertion "I am a farmer's daughter." This claim is your heart--and I hope it will hold you in the midst of what you need to walk with each day.


Holding you from afar, a farmer's wife who lost the farmer,

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Reply by Xenia
07 Mar 2022, 3:49 PM

Good morning from the west.   It has been a few years since I was messaging since I was on the format of who cares for the caregiver with old abat,Jimmie and bounce and so many other caring others on this message board.

I wrote a large message sometime ago ti this message board but somehow it s
disappeared.  Thankfully Kathere helped me and here I am to offer whatever support I can give. My   heart understands the loneliness you are feeling and finding solace in the barn. I too went to places of solace when I lost my husband John..there I felt safe for the moments there. I didnot have to explain,talk or listen to caring family as I needed time alone. It took time but gradually with the support from virtual hospice friends I gradually pulled through.   

 I will be In touch again and share you loss and support you in any way I can on this message board.      Yours xenia
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Reply by NatR
07 Mar 2022, 3:58 PM

To all members on this thread - it warms my heart to see familiar names in the messages.  Sending you all a virtual hug.. 
best wishes for today and each day Wingman, Mert, Nouce, Xenia and reminding you to take 
one day at a time,
hugs NatR 
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Reply by Nouce
08 Mar 2022, 12:42 AM



I am also so happy to see all these dear names again.


May we be blessed with love!


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Reply by NatR
08 Mar 2022, 5:16 AM

Dear Nouce,
right back at you! Wishing you the best.
You also popped up often when a response was needed
some nice people hang around these writing spaces

hugs NatR
and thanks to Katherine for nudging us and bringing us here when needed
best wishes
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Reply by atthebottom
13 Jul 2022, 4:48 PM

Hi there, I am 82 years old, single and without kids. I registered here in order to try helping someone. I am not that mobile, I can't help by coming to the hospital, but I hope I can help here, online.
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13 Jul 2022, 5:30 PM

Welcome atthebottom,
Glad you found the forum.  We all need help along the way from time to time - thank you for your offer of help. I am the moderator for the community - one of my roles is to help keep the community a welcoming one.  Had you heard about Canadian Virtual Hospice through friends or family - or through google?
Kind regards,Katherine
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