Hey, "idontknow". I suppose, honestly, not having been in your situation, idontknow either. One great thing about Virtual Hospice, however, is that, even if we don’t know the answer, the people here tend to be compassionate listeners. And sometimes, just getting things off your chest is a valuable exercise.
Often a male will withdraw out of perhaps an unspoken love. A love that says, “I can deal with this” I don’t want to upset, or bother the ones that I love. Being a male, I can identify with that trait. We want to be the “protector/provider”. We don’t want to be a burden on others. So much for my “take” on pop-psychology. That’s not a professional opinion, only a “gut feeling”.
From a practical point of view, I have found that asking, “What can I do to help you?” rarely works in these circumstances, because the answer often is “Nothing, really. I’m ok. I’m fine.”
Just showing up with something that you know he would enjoy is often a good tactic.
Also, rather than asking, simply stating a fact such as, “I’ll be over this afternoon to bake that dessert that you like. We can chat and catch up. I don’t have anything on the go and I’d love to come over. I’ll see you about two o’clock.”
It is much more difficult to say “No” to a statement. If you ask if you can come over, it is much easier to say “no” outright, or put you off.
Even, if initially he is unwilling to talk about his situation, a lively, upbeat conversation can be welcome as it will take his mind off of his situation. This might allow a more gentle transition into more serious matters when he feels that the time is right.
I don’t know if this helps, but I hope it does. Keep us updated, “idontknow”. The anonymity here is great, it allows you to speak freely.
Do you all live geographically close to each other?
- eKim