This is a new and difficult topic to talk about. It does relate to my friend Carole who died from cancer almost 7 months ago. Once someone is diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, it has metastasized and the pain is excrutiating there is the option of physician assisted death. Does the person need to meet certain criteria? I have often thought of my final days with Carole and her Stage IV cancer. She fought to the end. Then there was my mom who suffered through Alzheimer's. Had she had the option of physician assisted death I often wonder if she would end her life in a peaceful way. Then comes my story. I have neurofibromatosis (NF) and have had a biopsy on my shoulder. About 30 years ago I had a massive superficial tumour removed. But internally it continued to grow. It is only in the past few months that I felt I had neglected to reach out to a specialist to see what was happening internally. Last week I had a biopsy on my shoulder. There was a spot that they couldn't biopsy because it was high risk. Well this week I got the results of this biopsy. And I'm freaking out. My specialist is away until April 19th. Part of the report reads, "An examination of the complete tumour from a surgical specimen is however necessary to rule out MPNST." I had no idea what MPNST meant so I did some research. But it all makes sense. Because I do have NF. This is what I found...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_peripheral_nerve_sheath_tumor
After this long story I started to think about, what if I do have cancer, what if it's Stage IV and it has metastasized. I know I'm jumping the gun but my mind wandered there. Keeping in mind and watching and seeing what Carole went through. All the pain, the grief, the chemo, the radiation, and all for not. I thought that this is not something I would want to go through. I would wish to go to sleep peacefully. No pain. I have had over 20 surgeries. I have suffered a lot from many, many surgeries, developed PTSD, and every 3 or 4 years I have more surgery. I have come to the end of my rope should this turn out to be a tumour. I'm tired of fighting a battle, that in my mind, cannot be won. I shared the news with a few close friends and each say to just wait and see what my doctor says. I'm trying hard to stay the course. It is difficult. When I talked to one close friend that I would want physician assisted death, I knew what her thoughts would be. She believes it's committing suicide. And because of this it is considered a sin, according to the bible, and those that believe in that. How would I try and give her a different perrspective about events in the bible? I, for one, do not believe in the bible. I don't think I ever have. I told her that I don't see it as suicide. And the bible can be interpreted in many different ways. How do you make a friend see how you feel or what you're thinking and that my choice would not be suicided but a way to end my suffering in a meaningul way. I don't know how much sense any of this makes but I'm very open to suggestions and feedback. Thank you. tstorm