Hello Mobysgirl; my heart aches for you. This is, without a doubt,likely one of the hardest times you will ever experience. There are so many clichés but the thing is, there is usually some truth in all of them. One is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and learning how to live this different life that you find yourself in. Literally one step, one breath at a time. It will get easier but in my experience, the challenge is to accept that grief is now a part of you. You can't unfeel it. When I learned to say to my grief, " pull up a chair and let's get acquainted because clearly you aren't going anywhere anytime soon", I stopped fighting it and thus began my journey of trying to figure out who I am now and how I can make a meaningful life.
My husband of 40 years died 7 years ago this October. We were enormously blessed with a very close relationship. He is a part of my life and always will be. I talk to him daily and feel his love and support guiding me. How can that not be so? My whole life was spent with his love surrounding me. That is never going to change. So yes, I speak with him, I still cry at times for sure but I also smile with gratitude at all that we have. I learned early on that I could grieve and feel grateful at the same time. This helped me to not try to brush my grief aside, worrying that I was being ungrateful for all that we had.
Seeing a therapist specifically trained in grief helped me enormously. I did this through Andrea Warnick, if you are interested in pursuing this. I read everything I could get my hands on. David Kessler's work has helped me a lot. I talk to anyone I know who has experienced a loss like mine and ask them, as you are, how did you get through this? And mostly these experiences have helped me to see just enough light to place my feet in front of me for another day, another week.
I am blessed with a supportive circle and I early on asked them to talk about my husband at every opportunity. I loved hearing his name and feeling like he was being brought into the room. So many people don't know what to say or do. So I needed to tell them, talk about him. Share your stories with me. Again and again and again. And please listen to my stories. Again and again and again. I found ways to make meaning out of my grief, by being present for others going through loss. It makes me feel that at least some good comes of it.
I appreciate the saying that grief is about learning to live with longing. I long to see him again. I long to be held by him again. And I believe that one day, that will happen. In the meantime, I honour the wonderful life we shared by trying to make every day count and taking good care of myself. Finding joy again. It will never be the same again- grief has made me feel older and a bit sadder - but hold on to the fact that your life is a gift and will be over all too soon. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel. And go with your gut. If something feels right, helpful, supportive, do it. No apologies or explanations are needed.
Please keep in touch with this forum. We get it. You are seen and you are heard. And you will get through this.