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Disengagement 
Créé par Justasec
10 nov. 2020, 19 h 34

I normally think of myself as a pretty resilient person, and I am very familar with grief/loss and bereavement - both personally and professionally.  That said, wow, I struggling right now and find myself disengaging which in my less grief stricken moments sends a cautionary flag to my less emotional self. 

In July 2017, I lost my 19 year old son in a traumatic hiking accident.  Then in August of this year, I lost my partner of 15 years.  I was keeping busy with work and processing my grief in healthy ways but something changed a few weeks ago and my focus with work and activities of daily living is non-existent and I am very emotional at the most inappropriate times.   

How are others managing to stay engaged in life while grieving?

 
 
Réponse de Nors
10 nov. 2020, 22 h 02

Hello, it took my breath away just reading your post. I am so very sorry that you have had to endure such loss. I too Contacted virtual hospice after losing my mother closely followed by my brother. Although not the same I can relate to how you might be feeling. It had been a year since losing my brother and I had thought I was "okay" then covid hit and I was thrown back months into the grieving process. It shook me to my core. I have had experiences with grief ( lost my dad and another brother ) and like you I would consider my self resilient, so what happened to me??
Just know that talking to other people who 'get it' really helps. I Get it! It really sucks but I get it!
 
Réponse de Justasec
11 nov. 2020, 13 h 40

Thank you for your reply Nors, and thank you for sharing a little of your story with me/us.  We do appear to have some similarities in our losses.  You mention Covid and that you were thrown back months into the grieving process.  In my area, a number of social services were reduced or switich to online (Zoom), leaving many to feel alone and isolated.  It's good that you reflected on this as a factor in your setback.

I am not sure what is happening with me - simple diagnosis (self diagnosis) would be I am experiencing depression.  Sure didn't want to get up today, but then noticed my sense of humor was still there (a piece of it anyhow) because I was going to put an old fashion tv bar code up as my photo on my staff meeting today. Do you know what those are?

Back to my original question - did you or do you find yourself disengaging from people / otherwise meaningful activities in your life?  If so, what strategies do you use to help yourself?   Sorry, I know I ask some difficult quesitons but I am really not interested in talking about how very bad I feel but want to talk about ways to feel better. 

 
 
Réponse de Nors
11 nov. 2020, 14 h 44

The first thing that I did, when I joined the platform, was I asked a question at  "ask a professional"  I was worried that I was becoming depressed. His feedback was extremely helpful, he was kind, compassionate and informative. 


Covid forced me into disengaging with people ( the first lock down), ususally I am extremely social.

I had found that my usual tool box of coping skills was no longer working so I started with some serious self care.  I took long hot baths with candles and soft music, I meditated ( I had never tried that before) I added to my collection of plants and focused on watching them grow and prosper . I went for walks and photographed everything, I shared with my closest friends that I was still not feeling my self - that was a tough one. I tried not to spend too much time swimming around in my own head.  I focused on the physical me and I gave myself permission be sad ( again)

Every morning I made myself say something I was thankful for, that was also extremely difficult. Most days it was "my beds comfortable"  followed by  "maybe I'll just stay here"

There are times where it's still not easy but I have learned with practice to be gentle with myself.  


As far as the bar code - off line or done for the evening?? Glad that you have a sense of humour!
 
Réponse de Justasec
11 nov. 2020, 20 h 14

Hi NORS, 

COVID hasn't effected me that much in regards to socializing because I spent most the time I wasn't working with family.  It did effect my relationship with my partner because there were times when I had to self-isolate due to my work and partner's age so I have some residual grief/guilt about time wasted although we didn't have any indication our time would be so limited.  

I am normally great with self-care and it isn't just "lip service". Given my profession it is vitally important and I can relate to the baths, candles, meditation, exercise etc.  My spirituality is front and centre in self-care with ceremony and ritual.  This is something that is still holding on - my spirituality, however, the effort it takes for other elements of self-care are what I appear to be disengaging in.  

I found your comment about plants to be of interest because yes, I find myself just going to the hardware store or the grocery store to look for plants.  I figure its some type of horticultural therapy that I am unconsciously engaging in.  I love nature, and find comfort in it.  I've spent so many evenings sitting on the front porch with the dog and looking at the sky/stars now that the trees are bare. Note to self- call physiotherapist for pain in the neck :) 

Again, your comment about how every morning you made yourself say something you were thankful for and how most days it was "my beds comfortable ... maybe I'll just stay here" was a perfect summary of my morning today.  

Thank you / Miigwetch.
 
 
Réponse de Nors
12 nov. 2020, 13 h 52

Good morning,
 
I thought of you this morning as I was practicing my daily gratitude, I find being thankful for the previous day events, works for me. It allows me to really think about what gave me joy. 
 
Residual grief is 20-20 and actually just about as unpredictable as this year 2020. We do the best we can in the situation that we are faced with and unfortunately it can be highly emotional and often terrifying. 

I wasn't surprised when you mentioned spirituality since we had both mentioned our resilience. In my mind they go hand in hand. Finding your balance after a huge loss is grueling, a lot of times I felt like a different person, I wasn't sure I would ever be happy again. 

Grief has it's own time line and it's not easy to follow. 

Horticulture Therapy is exactly right :) Unknowingly, it became my lifeline. I was gifted many plants after my losses and from them I have expanded my collection.
My phoenix medley, makes me smile! 
Check out Planterina on youtube and tell me your thoughts.

 
Nors

 
 
Réponse de Nors
12 nov. 2020, 13 h 56

Not sure what's going on with spacing lol
 
12 nov. 2020, 14 h 03

Good morning, The gremlins sometimes get in and mess with the formatting:)

I wanted to tell you both that the last two mornings I have woken up and remembered to give thanks. It is a wonderful practice. Thanks (another one) for the reminders.
Katherine
 
Réponse de Nouce
12 nov. 2020, 15 h 00

Greetings,
 
I've read this conversation with great interest. It helped me understand what it has been like for me during the pandemic. My "bright and active" grief after my husband died lasted for over a year. Then I found myself trying to remember who we were together before he disappeared into dementia.

When I went into lockdown, all my regular practices just collapsed: when I get up, when I do yoga, when I pray. And I was crying all the time.

I'm glad you as a professional know how to recognize and think about these responses, whether disengagement or chaotic response.

And now, with Thanksgiving, Remembrance Day, and holidays, whatever shape they may take, I am trying to build a new, less rigid and more alive practice.  Saying thank you is so central. I try to thank every service person I meet--grocery story, pharmacy, etc.
 
You all are gifts, and I am thankful for you.

 Nouce
 
Réponse de Nors
13 nov. 2020, 14 h 27

Good morning Nouce,

First, let me express my heartfelt condolences. The loss of a loved one is never easy and experiencing it through dementia is, in my words, ' the long good bye'. I lost my mother to Alzheimer's physically 2 1/2 years ago, mentally - about 4 years ago. 

Lock down was very difficult, I think we all put up the price of kleenex! 

The holidays are a demanding time, lots of memories and emotions. I changed my entire Christmas routine the first year after mom died. 

Your community is very lucky to have you in it! People who can be pleasant and positive while facing adversity are really rare. Thank you for your kind words :)

Nors


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