Hello, dear "brown curly haired" one
I send you a VirtualHug
I am so, so sorry for the situation that you are in. I know that I am a complete stranger, but I hope that reaching out to you brings you even a small amount of comfort.
You have every right to be angry with the woman who evicted your mother – a truly heartless act. I am sure that she has not given one more thought to you or your mother.
Try to put her out of your mind. Every time you give her a thought, she is hurting you again. Once is enough. Don’t give her more. You are dealing with enough and you don’t need more.
The fact that you dropped everything and flew to her side speaks volumes about the fine person that you are.
The uncertainty of the length of your stay must be so difficult to deal with. It must be like being in a swirling vortex of emotions going round and round and not knowing when this horrible ride will stop.
And her “up and down” state must rock you from happiness to despair.
It’s no wonder that you feel totally out of control – you don’t have any.
My wife gives me heck when I use the “F word”, but occasionally she’ll do it too. Sometimes it’s the only word that fits.
We have a family member who has stage 4 cancer and it’s in her lungs, breast, liver and rectum. Members of our family wear a T-Shirt that says, “Fuck Cancer”.
What a crappy 2-sided coin: 1) in a totally unfamiliar setting and 2) missing your familiar surroundings and routine.
And not having your own partner and support group with you must be so hard for you. I am happy for you that your partner is coming. You are so lucky to have someone who loves you that much.
And your brother helping. That is amazing. I hear of countless stories where brothers suddenly go “missing inaction” (yes that’s 2 words, not 3).
The fact that you have full medical/hospice support is a good thing. I believe that these people are very special people for the work that they do.
Wow! Those conflicting emotions: “a woman who's my mom but not my mom because she's 40lbs underweight and dying” are so powerfully said.
Your world has been turned upside down, no wonder everything looks weird!
You said, “I don't want her to die but I don't want to be here anymore. I might lose my mind.”
No one would choose to be in your situation. As difficult as this is, you will get through it.
Somehow the phrase, “This too shall pass”, has always brought me comfort – I hope it helps you.
Years ago my mother was living in Ontario and was dying. My wife and I were in Nova Scotia running a new business that we had started. We simply could not leave.
On the phone, my mother would always say, “Don’t come, sweetheart. I know you have your own family and responsibilities”. Moms are like that.
I didn’t go until the funeral. Two things I knew for sure. 1) Mom forgave me and 2) I would never forgive myself. To this day, I beat myself up for it.
No matter how long you stay with your mom – short or long, (you only can do what you can do) you will never have regrets like I do.
Take care of yourself, dear. That’s exactly what your mom would want you to do.
-Ekim