Hi Janzie

I will try to help you in an indirect way.  Not having “walked in your shoes”, I really have nothing to offer specifically.

After volunteering in a residential hospice for more than 10 years, I have often come across people who did not want others to help them.  There are many reasons of course:

©     Male Patriarch Ego (which like most males, I am cursed with – lol)

o   “I have always viewed myself as the Provider/Protector.”  I don’t “do” vulnerable.

©     Female Matriarch Ego (which my wife possesses in quantity.)

o   “I am the one that everyone turns to for help” and I am always helping others.

At hospice, I have seen people refuse to call the nurses for extra pain medication because they didn’t want to “be a bother/nuisance” They would tough it out until their regular medication time. 

And they wouldn’t accept help from me as a volunteer, because they didn’t want to impose.

Eventually, when they would accept some help i.e. something as simple as an ice cream smoothie from the kitchen…  I would sit and keep them company and then I would say, “I’d like to thank you for allowing me to help you.  You have given me a gift.

They (of course) would be confused and would ask me to explain.

I would say, “The gift that you bestowed upon me, is called “The Warm Fuzzies”.  No matter what is going on in my life, no matter if I am having a “good” day or a “bad” day, when I put my head down on my pillow tonight, I will be thinking, ‘You aren’t such a bad fellow, after all.  Look at the acts of kindness that you did today.”  That is a precious gift.  And I thank you so much.”

On the other hand if you had not allowed me to help you, I might have had such a sweet day.

So, whenever I need someone to help me, I never hesitate in sharing this gift of giving and receiving.

Now this doesn’t apply directly to your situation, Janzie.  But here is something else:

My wife suffers from arthritis and I gently massage her each evening.  She is one of these “NeverComplainers” and I know she wishes that she didn’t need me in this way.

But guess what?  Every time I ease her pain, I feel pretty good about myself and I fall in love with her a little more each time.  So she is giving me a gift.

In your role, caring for your husband, Janzie, you are his EarthAngel.  I hope that he sees what a blessing that you are and can come to the understanding that in allowing you to help him, he is, in turn, giving you this sweet gift of love.

I will be thinking of the two of you often.

Come back to us here for more support – as long as you need to and as often as you need to.

eKim

Hi Janzie,

It sounds like you know your husband really well and are doing a great job of supporting him in his desire to remain independent as much and as long as he can.  I’m sure it’s not always easy for you to watch him struggle to do small things that used to be easy for him.  But as you say, it’s working well when you do that.  And I’m thinking a similar strategy may be needed for the MAID conversation also; he’ll talk about it when he’s ready and your role is to be patient.

Of course that doesn’t mean you can’t prompt him a bit:  a conversational gambit like “I’m remembering that you mentioned MAID as something you thought you’d like to explore and I’m wondering if you’ve thought any more about that.  Just know that I’m ready to support you in whatever you want to do.”  If he says he doesn’t want to talk about it you haven’t lost anything.

I’m guessing that in your 20 years of marriage there have been other occasions when there was an ‘elephant in the room’ and you were somehow able to name the issue and talk about it. Perhaps remembering those situations may help you figure out how to handle this one.

When my best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer she asked me to come with her to apply for MAID.  The MAID team were superb: compassionate, supportive, informative, reassuring.  She was accepted and it gave her peace of mind to know that option was available to her if the pain or loss of functioning got too much. In the end she didn’t need it but it really helped her to know she had that option in her back pocket.

I’m guessing that perhaps you husband has  his plate full right now just dealing with the changes and losses of today and may not be ready to look death in the face as a conversation about MAID requires.  Again, if so, the strategy you’re already using about other things----standing back and letting him do things himself as he’s able and ready----may be what’s needed here also.

Janzie, please take good care of yourself. This is not an easy journey.  I’m glad you’re connected with us, and I hope you have friends you can reach out to for support when you need it. 

Hugs, Mert