Dear, West Coast:
Though we live on opposite coast of Canada, your struggles with fear and anger are very similar to my own. Having lost two partners to untreatable illnesses, I know something of which you speak. In particular, I understand the necessity you feel to "manage" those two emotions because the rawness of them is "stressing my wife even more". Others who have written to yo before me have provided excellent counsel as well as profound compassion in responding to your initial post. In doing so, they have created a community of care and support. My suggestion would be that such a community, virtual though it might be, can be of signifcant benefit to you, and your partner, as you both try and navigate your way through the days ahead. Use that community for support. use that community to help reduce the sense of isolation which is often felt by individuals living through the challenges you both are facing.
My one other suggestion would be to shift your objective slightly from trying to "manage" your fear and anger, to "claiming" those emotions, affirming them as being absolutely understandable feelings to be experiencing given what the two of you are dealing with. I would agree with Seeker. who wites about the benefit of working with a grief counsellor in this regard. You have every right to those emotions though others might suggest they are self-indulgent. You might even think that yourself. They are best not "managed". They are best expressed. And that is best done in a safe, supportive, and professional therapeutic circumstance for your own benefit and for your partner's as well.
Virtual friends, compssionate counsellors. Communities of support. Still such a difficult, difficult journey. Anyone who suggests otherwise in expectaion or attitude, may have the very best of intentions, but they don't know what they are talking about.....ask Mark, and ask Seeker, they have a better understanding of the suffering you and your partner are enduring. Not in the least bit easy, just a little bit eaier with compansion such as the two of them offering you their compassionate support and understanding, and a good therapist creating a safe environment for you to be exactly who your are emotionally on any given day without fear, or ambarrassment, or pretense, or apology and - without " stressing your wife even more", which seems to be one of your deepest wishes at the moment, a teatament to the quality of the love and care you hope to give her.
jm