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SadMama 
Créé par SadMama
17 nov. 2022, 3 h 04

I suddenly lost my 50 year old son in May.  He left behind a wife, a 6 and a 9 year old, his sister, a dad and myself his Mom.  I am having such a hard time coming to terms with this.  It seems the rest of the family is coping better than me.  I seem to be stuck.  Any suggestions on how to move forward and be able to enjoy life if even slightly.
 
17 nov. 2022, 19 h 38

Dear Sadmama,
You and your family have had a great loss.  Your son was your child - and he was your child for 50+ years. Names are so important - since my husband died it has been so important to be able to talk about him and use his name. Could I ask your son's name?

I was just looking through some of the grief resources on the Canadian Virtual Hospice (My grief)and came across these words, "Your grief is shaped by your relationship with the person who died....The course of grief is unknown, its end uncertain, and along the way, we may be surprised by just how hard it can be." 

I remember some years ago a friend commented that around the time of death, it can feel like we are a covered with cotton balls that in a way protect us (at least a bit) from the harshness of that initial grief.  Over time those cotton balls fall off and it can seem as though we are hit with a tsunami of unexpected grief. First birthday, anniversary, Christmas (if you celebrate it), etc. Those firsts are hard. 

May is only 6 months ago - not long at all in grief hours.  Do you have family, friends who support you and with whom you  can talk?  You might find the resources on Canadian Virtual Hospice help you as you navigate life. When your child has died might be one of those resources. 

Until we chat again,
Katherine
 
Réponse de Allyson
18 nov. 2022, 16 h 46

Dear Sadmama,

 

I begin by saying how very sorry I am that your 50 year old son died.  How very difficult that must have been especially when it was sudden and it is your child. 

 

Death is tremendously difficult.  Your grief must still be so very raw.  Six months is still very new.

 

Everyone's grief is different and everyone's grief is as it needs to be.  Please try not to compare your grief to others as they do not know what you are going through and you do not know what they are going through.  Grief is VERY personal.  Everyone travels grief differently.

 

I lost my Mom and Dad 10 years and 5 years ago respectively.  I would seriously say that I am only in this last year in an okay place again.

 

This website has excellent resources - articles, books, etc.  There are online and in person grief support groups as well.  You are able to share your grief with others also grieving.  I find support groups so helpful.  They let you know you are not alone.

 

Be gentle with yourself.  This road is difficult.  May your grief journey be real, unrushed and cleansing.  May your son become a source of strength and love for you for your lifetime.

 

Take care.

Allyson
 
Réponse de Mert
20 nov. 2022, 0 h 56

Dear Sadmama,

I resonate strongly with your situation and your deep grief.  My 49-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago.  He went through surgery and chemotherapy along with other medical interventions to deal with the damage done through the treatment but in the end all seemed positive; he was declared cancer free.  Eight months ago I received the message I'd hoped never to see: he told me the cancer had returned, was widespread and had been declared incurable.  The doctors could potentially slow it down but that was the best we could hope for.  Since then he's been through 6 very hard months of chemo and after a 'treatment holiday' is shortly to have a scan to determine if more treatment is immediately necessary.
The only thing I can think of that is worse than learning one's beloved son is terminally ill is to experience his death.  You are walking a road that seems inevitably to be in my future also.  I have been a witness to my dear friend's grief journey when she lost her adult daughter three years ago; the struggle to find even tiny pin pricks of joy in the all-pervasive darkness takes great effort and sometimes is impossible.  
Beyond identifying and grieving with you I can offer only the reminder to be very gentle with yourself and accepting of your own grief journey.  As Allyson has said, each person's grief journey is individual to them.  I think we don't 'get over' profound losses as much as we rebuild our lives around them and as we do so gradually feel like we can survive in a world without that very special person we've lost being in it. Self-compassion is key; no harsh judgments or making comparisons.  Just offering yourself loving kindness and holdng on to the faith that healing is happening however slowly, and that while things may never be the same again life will with time begin to feel wiorth living.

Mert


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