Hi BeccaLynn
Those are such wise words that Mert shared.
I will add something in the same vein.
It is a bit dryer, I know and not as well written from the heart as Mert's words.
Dr. Wolfelt is someone that I refer back to over and over when I reach out to people.
He has something else called "The Mourner's Bill of Rights" that I could post here too. Let me know if you would like to see this as well.
-eKim
Reaching Out for Help When You Are Grieving (and Therapeutic Third article)
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
THREE TYPES OF FRIENDS
THE “NEUTRAL” THIRD
The first third of the people in your life THE “NEUTRAL” THIRD will turn out to be neutral in response to your grief.
© They will neither help nor hinder you in your journey.
© There are some who say “how are you doing? But they really don’t want to know the details.
© Or they say, “Call me if you need anything.” Knowing that you probably won’t call them.
© Or after dropping off a casserole, you don’t hear from them again.
THE “HARMFUL” THIRD
The second group of people in your life THE “HARMFUL” THIRD will turn out to be harmful to you in your efforts to mourn and heal.
While they are usually not setting out intentionally to harm you,
© Some of them simply cannot deal with your loss.
© Some are nice people – good friends, even family - but they just cannot “be there” for you.
© Some simply disappear. You wonder, “Where are they? I thought they would “be there” for me?
© Some will judge you,
© Some simply don’t know what to say, or do, so they stay away.
© Some will give you unwanted and unhelpful advice which will:
o pull you away from dealing with your grief.
o pull you off the path to healing.
When you are actively mourning, try to avoid this second group of people, for they will trip you up and cause you to fall.
THE “THEREPEUTIC” THIRD
The final third group of the people in your life, THE “THEREPEUTIC” THIRD will turn out to be truly empathetic helpers.
© They will have a desire to understand you and your unique thoughts and feelings about the death.
© They will demonstrate a willingness to be taught by you and a recognition that you are the expert of your experience, not them. For instance, they will be willing to read “The Mourner’s Bill of Rights”. After doing so (and listening to your needs, they will say, “Ok, tell me what you would like me to do to support you?”
© These people can be your lifeline. They can help you to find peace in ways that will be easier than trying to do it on your own.
© They will be willing to be involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it away from you.
© They will believe in your capacity to heal.
© They will be supportive and encouraging
© They will “be there” for you whenever you need them.
Seek out your friends and family members who fall into the third group. They will be your confidants and momentum-givers on your journey.