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My older brother died recently  
Créé par Maggie502
19 oct. 2021, 15 h 05

My brother, my only sibling died on Sept 16. He had been diagnosed with cancer in 2019, had surgery and several months later started chemo. His treatment seemed to be going well. We were all supposed to get together in June 2020 for a family wedding but then Covid happened. He lived in the US and I'm here in Canada. The wedding was postponed to September 2020. But then it became clear that the borders weren't opening up anytime soon. So the wedding was on Zoom. It was such a great disappointment because I was so looking forward to seeing him and his family. Also his chemo was out on hold for awhile because of the pandemi. 

My brother was the older one but he was so energetic and full of life that it was so hard to believe he was sick. He also didn't talk much about his cancer. Just brief short answers if I asked him how he was feeling. His wife used to keep me filled in on the details of his treatment and test results.

He was doing really well on the treatment plan and then suddenly at the beginning of Sept everything went downhill. On Sept 15 I talked to him and he thought he'd be moved out of ICU soon. The next day my sister in law contacted me that he had passed. 

ive been dealing with some health issues of my own. I sustained a head injury in late August and have not recovered from that. Everything compounded is causing me to have the most debilitating anxiety attacks, usually in the middle of the night. It's like everything was going fine two months ago and now everything is just so unreal and awful.

Also my brother's wife had a very quick cremation and a little gathering at her house a few days after he died and I didn't even find out he was cremated until a week after. That news really devastated me. Now when I think about it I feel very angry and hurt. Because I didn't want to bother her right after his death because she was so distraught so I was waiting to hear and I didn't know if ther would be funeral arrangements or burial or what. But I thought I'd be informed. 

I feel such a jumble of feelings that I can't even articulate them all. But today my predominant feeling is anger.  
 
Réponse de 12
19 oct. 2021, 17 h 06

Dear MAGGIE502

I am so sorry to hear the very sad news of your brothers passing. It must be so hard to be in a different country especially with the border situaiton. 

My sister died in Canada and I live in the US so understand this..

I was and am very angry regarding choices that were made around my sisters death, I was left out of important choices, and just yesterday remembered something else and just decided it was OK to be angry at her about this.

It is a rollercoaster.. I hope this forum can be of some support,


I am sending my best to you,

12
 
Réponse de Mert
21 oct. 2021, 0 h 59

Dear Maggie502,
What a very painful way to lose a loved one: not to be able to 'cross borders' to be with him in his last days, to 'read' the situation and understand that he is close to the end, to not feel included in the decisions and events marking his passing.  It may not help much to know you're not alone but I do believe that one of the great unrecognized injuries related to the restrictions imposed by COVID is the exclusion from personal contact with our ill and dying loved ones and the barriers to family and friends gathering together to honur the deceased and to support and console one another.  I lost my dearest friend this summer and the processes of 'walking with' and of 'gathering after' were so complicated that the emotional connections were often lost and conflicts and hurt feelings replaced shared comfort, support and celebration of life.  It is so hard to be left to grieve alone and to feel pushed aside when you clearly you are one of the persons closest to him in life and in death.  I do understand that in the aftermath of a earlier-than-expected death those required to make arrangements may be in shock and may thus inadventantly exclude others who should be in the inner circle, but that is an explanation, not an excuse.  Perhaps one day you will feel able to forgive your sister-in-law.  But for now my main hope for you is that you may find some support in your grief from the people here around you (and the folks here also) and find ways to be gentle with yourself. 

Mert
 
Réponse de AMT
13 nov. 2021, 22 h 34

Hi Maggie502,

I find myself sitting in a quiet house today with the snow falling out the living room window. It seems like the right sort of day to reach out and ask you are doing? Your predominant feeling when you last posted was anger. Anger can feel so potent and I valued how you named it so honestly. I often notice that anger lays over other feelings that might hurt more I wonder if you are noticing other feelings as well these days?  
What I noticed in your post was how vibrant your brother must have been and how badly you wanted to see him. The circumstances of the pandemic made that undeniably difficult. You and 12 both recognized the rollercoaster of feelings that come after a significant loss and how the decisions of others can impact us so profoundly. I'm sending you compassionate thoughts and feelings and share the hope that Mert named, finding support and a safe space to share your experience.
Warmly,
AMT
 
Réponse de Maggie502
13 nov. 2021, 23 h 08

My update since my last post. I've been getting some counseling which helps a bit, but I think because everyone's grieving process is different it a journey you kind of have to navigate on your own to a certain extent. However I now realize I'm not alone, there are countless others who are dealing with their grief in many different ways. I've had some really bad nights and days where the pain of losing my sibling is just overwhelmin. But it's true that you can't get around grief, the only way is through. 

im taking a course in Guided Imagery and there is a guided meditation for grief and to my surprise it really helped me and I felt that I had turned a corner. During the meditation my mental image of my brother was so vivid, it was almost as if I was communicating with him on some level. For the first time since he had passed I felt that I could accept his death. The meditation also released a whole flood of feeling and I cried and sobbed uncontrollably. I've only done that meditation once because I don't think I'm ready to do it again yet. Sometimes during the day I stop and remember he's gone and I think, no that's can't be right. Other times I wake up at night and I think "my brother is dead". We used to send pictures to each other by text or email all the time. Things that I knew he'd "get" or "understand". His work involved a lot of conferences and some of them are on YouTube. I watch them and it's so nice to hear his voice and to see him. I realize when I watch the videos that I knew him so well. It's definitely a great loss. My one big regret is we didn't have a chance to talk much before he passed because he became so ill and weak so quickly. 

 
 
Réponse de AMT
15 nov. 2021, 12 h 38

Dear Maggie502

Thank you for sharing an update. I think you are right about grief, it is unique to each of us, We all have to find our own path through, and for the most part it's a very personal journey. Yet, it feels more manageable when we know others are also on the path. Some a bit further ahead, some right beside, and some just starting out. Working with a counsellor and participating in the guided imagery course sound like they were helpful for you. Even the big cry you have sounds really important, although a bit overwhelming perhaps. 

It sounds like you and your brother had a connected relationship. Quite a few other people on the forum talk about the person who died as someone who 'got" them, especially their unique sense of humor or the way they saw the world, My dad is always sending me jokes and videos over email that he knows I'll like. And I do. I'll miss them terribly when dies. What a treasure to have videos to watch of your brother presenting at conferences. 

Take great care today, I will send warm thoughts your way,
AMT


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