Oh my gosh. What you are sharing is so crushing in all its harsh reality that you are facing. The anger is just so palpable and understandable. So very understandable. From my experience in grief following the death of my wife Donna. I have been there though not to the degree you are. It feels so much like and endlessly suffocating loop of pain. And you are doing it alone. 

That isolation from friends and fam feels so much like being in a row boat on the ocean without ores. Looking at a warm sandy beach and wondering how the shucks you can reach the shore. Even considering swimming may feel like you are doing that with a back pack of bricks. 

I get you. In fact dare i say we all get you. Though we all grieve differently those of us on our grief journey and doing our grief work have been there felt that. (You have started that work and journey it is important and needs to be done.) And there my friend is a bit of a first step to move yourself forward. 

Sharing as you have done here and now. Do not stop sharing. The words we say out loud & share takes the puzzle of our feelings and offers a narrative for us to see and others to see. It gives us a place to find our words, see them, and let others see us. 

Let me shout out to a couple of things you said. School is hard but you are doing it for you and the kids. Hard and painful yet a pin drop in your map out of this quicksand of hurt. 

I feel with Donna and her death there will no closure. It is unfair for me to do that to Donna. Closure is indifference Closure is denial said pretty. I have learned to walk with my grief and anger like a shadow following me. That shadow helps me see me see the light I can gain from Donna’s memory and mine. But again that is me. 

Another thing is sharing with others. Being in a grief community with those who get it and can share with you. Here are some places to start if I may share. They’ve helped me. Surely others will share. VH is a brilliant wonderful perfect place. It was my first stop on my journey. I never get bored with what they have for resources and the community. 

Hot Young Widows Club is a great place to join. Here are the resources they have So many. I’ve used many of them and they are great. I’ve met Nora McInerny and here TEDTalk was brilliant and help me so much. Just the single most powerful grief voice in the universe. 

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it  

https://www.hotyoungwidowsclub.com/general-resources

Another site I use and have shared on is Salt Water I know Margo Fowles who started and I've written for the site. She is amazing https://findyourharbor.com 

You are the most important person you speak to everyday. What you tell yourself about you and who you are is critically important. That voice you speak is worthy to be shared. We got you 100%

When we accept that we are worthy of better letting go of that which hinders and thwarts our drive to be worthy of better can be a brilliant and meaningful choice you made for you.

1. You should feel free to express them.  Holding them in causes so much stress.


2. Nobody should criticize or judge you for expressing  your feelings

Oh, dear McRalph, This is Pammie. We have spoken before, so we do have a little thread of connectivity here as we communicated  a few times. I remember you and  I hear you. Your pain is palpble, I can almost feel it. And I wanted to respond. It sounds like you need some help at a physical level, a real warm tight comforting hug instead of just virtual ones in electronic text. This isn't me, at least not all of me, yet my words will lead in a real way to the hugs, the skills, the finacial wherewithal you want and need. Take them from me, dear McRalph and use them as I intended them to be used by you. 

You need  to start having some obviously caring people in your life, people to be supportive friends, relatives who care, money with which you can purchase the essential necessities, food, recreation, skilled services, new job skills..... You need so much now because you have been without for so long! Too long, dear one. 

So if I  may make a suggestion: Push yourself to find a  counselor, a social worker, a hospice worker,  a community care worker, a church pastor, the hospital social worker,  a volunteer, a family dr if you dont know how to access any of the others. Just start somewhere!  Somewhere,  your self.  (Just make sure you find safe and legit people!!!)  And let them know  that you want to help yourself in this strange new world in which you find yourself. I'm looking at what "Wellness Together Canada" offers on line right now. 

So get someone to help you make a list of what you need or want, pretty much like the one you wrote here. And do check in here as well. You'll find good caring people who also know the pain and anger you are in now.

 Keep in touch! 

Pammie.