Hello Korie
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You must be so very sad. I send you thoughts of peace and love.
Don’t feel sorry for not posting in a while. This site is for you, Korie. You can post your thoughts here several times a day, once a week/month/year or whenever.
You said, “There are so many things I could blame, but in the end, it doesn't matter. Blame won't bring him back, nothing will.”
The fact that you are not carrying unnecessary guilt/blame is a good thing. It only delays your healing process. Do you agree, Korie?
On those “horrible” days, try to find someone to be with you. If other people’s schedules do not align, you can pour your heart out in writing to us here on this site. Writing can be very therapeutic. Do you find this to be the case for you, Korie?
You said: “today I realize that that was the last thing he had planned. That's it...there's nothing else. Everything is complete.” Also, you said, “. And when I left I realized that I will forever do this alone now.
A lot of people gain comfort by establishing a “metaphysical” relationship once the physical relationship is no more.
What I mean is people “talk” to their loved one in a way that keeps them in their lives as they engage in daily activities. This can bring a sense of peace and comfort. Does this work for you, Korie?
Carrying on with your children without Len will be hard. Your love will be your guide to help you on your journey of healing, Korie.
No one can prepare for the death of a loved one. Going from “always there” to “never there” is too much of a change to process quickly. It takes a long time to discover and accept your “new normal”.
Most people are surrounded by loving friends and family initially, however, over time, people drift away to their “busy lives”.
And this is where (when you are ready) professional counselling might be helpful. Either individual sessions or group sessions. Each has its pros and cons. Is this something that you would look into?
In addition to professional counselling, you always have us volunteers here at Canadian Virtual Hospice to “talk” to. We are not professional grief counsellors, but we will always be here for you.
You may think that we have “heard this all before”, but we really haven’t. No two stories are alike. No two people process grief in the same way.
We are not allowed to try to “fix” things or tell you what to do. We can, however, relate stories of what has worked for us personally and other people that we know/have known.
Sometimes having a large resource of information helps us formulate what works for us.
Be sure to check out the grief resources here on this site. Ask Katherine, she can show you how to access them.
Peace be with you.
-Michael