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Supporting terminal father from another province

Started by Find10

19 Jul 2021, 4:11 PM

Hello everyone,
First time posting, but I am looking for others who are walking a similar path as me.
My father was told last week that he was pallative by his oncologist and no further treatment is available. He was diagnosed with stage 4 non-hodgkins lymphoma. He was home for a few days but is presently in the hospital and will be meeting with pallative care today. Sadly, he doesn't get that his time is limited and keeps saying that he is going to Germany for treatment. As you can imagine, my brother and I don't think he would survive the trip.
I also live in a other province and my brother is in BC. My dad is in Quebec. To further complicate things, my father was living with my 90 year old grandma and though she is in decent shape, she also has some health issues.
Needless to say, it's a lot and I do want what is best for him, but I also know time is limited.
I am curious if anyone else has tried to support someone at the end stage of life fr a distance?
Thank you 🙂

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Reply by NatR

20 Jul 2021, 12:01 AM

Dear Find10,

i Appreciate your note to Virtual Hospice - and I am sorry to hear that your father is so unwell.
I do hope that other members will respond to this thread - and give their insight to the personal side of your story.

I must admit that being supportive from a distance adds complications.

I would personally start with whatever services are provided for your dad - through the doctors office? And they should be able to start your journey to supportive care for your dad.

i do hope you are able to set things up for his care - via phone, email etc - with the providers who will give you the peace of mind you need - and perhaps your grandmother will also be included in this care approach if needed

Its a challenge to get everything up and going - but I wish you well - and i hope other members of the forum will add their advice too.

I don't have more specifics as I personally haven't had to arrange such care - but I hope that you do find the answers and let us know how things go

wishing you the best as you begin this journey of support for your Dad - sounds like you might have to convince him - especially since he is talking about travelling to find some answers

sincerely
NatR ❤️

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

20 Jul 2021, 6:50 PM

Welcome Find10,
I don't know of anyone on the forum right now who has the experience of supporting a parent (or other relative, friend) in aother province, but I have reached out to some other members who won't have seen this post.

NatR has, as always, good suggestions and thoughts. This is a link to programs and services in Quebec. I wonder if there might be a resource there that would 'fit' for your family, including your grandmother and your dad.

I am also thinking about you and your brother - this same resource would give listings for your provinces as well - people and places who might be a resource to you.

You are far away from each other, but it sounds like you are all really connected in what is important. Are you able to have easy communication with your father's health team? Would someone on that team be able to help you support your dad?

Katherine

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Reply by Heatheru

21 Jul 2021, 1:13 PM

Hello Find10,

This is a very difficult time for family especially with being so far away. Does your father have anyone that can be a close caregiver for him other than your grandmother? Who is your father's power of care? It will be very important to make sure that you have communication with your father's doctors during this time as they manage the progression during palliative. We saw a very steady decline with my father in-law and family will have to be there and informed to help step in with decision making and support. Are you or your brother able to travel to be with your father at all? We went through various stages of depression, grief, anger etc......with my father in-law during palliative. It is a very difficult time for family to have to try to provide comfort and also handle all arrangements. I will say based on experience that you will need to be a strong advocate for your father to ensure he is getting the care and support he needs. It may be dealing with having PSW's coming in for daily care (tough right now due to shortages) to making sure he is comfortable and pain free. That was the biggest challenge for our family. We faced delay's getting my father in-law into Hospice near the end.

It is a time where communication is everything, hopefully you and your brother can help make this time easier for your father.

Good luck

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