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The long journey of grief

Started by Nouce

21 Feb 2021, 6:25 PM

Hello,

Often in the CVH discussion forums we reach out to one another with an immediate question or wondering. RIght now, I am also thinking about the long journey of grief.

Those of us who have lost loved ones know that you don't "get over it." But how do we live well with grief? I just marked the three-year anniversary of the death of my partner, and I found it somehow heavier than I had anticipated. I needed to stop, remember, go back over my diary, light candles, post pictures.

I want tobe a person who remembers well, carries sadness with grace. What are the ways of doing this? I want to come back around, not just to the same place but a new place in the spiral of life. What have others discovered?

Yet another reality for me: I feel more deeply stirred and troubled when I learn of others' losses. In the past year two friends have lost partners, one in a sudden accident and the other after a long illness. I keep in touch with them, and with the one who lives nearby, when the weather gets better will try to plan for a "porch sit." Yet I also want to sure that I am not "pressing my story" on someone else. We each have our own journeys with grief.

I'd love to hear how others have walked these pathways.

Nouce

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Reply by eKIM

24 Feb 2021, 5:59 PM

Hi Nouce

I feel that through Virtual Hospice, I have gotten to know you over the years. You are a very kind and gentle soul, Nouce.

I will keep you in my thoughts as I wish you peace.

Over the years, I have heard a variation of your question many times.

My "go-to" source of solace is always one of the many books by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

No one can "fix" things for someone who grieves. Ultimately it is a very personal Journey of Healing.

It doesn't have to be a lonely road, however. There are always kind souls that you will meet along the way.

I will reserve further comments, Nouce because I have not experienced what you have.

I have a feeling that you might wish to hear comments from people who have travelled a similar path and can share "real life" commonalities.

But my heart goes out to you, Nouce

-eKim

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Reply by Seeker

25 Feb 2021, 9:15 PM

I so agree with you Nouce; we don't "get over our grief". In my situation, I think how could I, when I have been blessed with such love? I have learned that love is grief, just as it was joy. It is the other side of that coin.

I am trying to make sure that some good comes of my grief and for me, perhaps like you, Nouce, I hope that I am more empathic and present when others are in grief. For as much as friends are supportive and loving and present, they cannot understand the gaping hole the same way that someone who has lived through the death of a spouse can. I read once that grief is learning to live with longing, and that resonated with me. That longing will never really go away but hopefully will become smaller as life moves forward and cushions it a bit.

If it is possible to live well with grief, for me, I find it helpful to see my grief as a friend, a comfort, a companion - not the enemy. Not something to get over. Instead, I believe my grief will always be with me, in one way or another, so we may as well get acquainted! This helps me to be more accepting of whatever I am feeling and to sit quietly in my grief, along with my gratitude. I have learned that the two can and do co-exist- grief and gratitude - at least for me.

I hope you are doing ok, Nouce. Three years is a very short time, in grief. Be gentle with yourself.

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Reply by eKIM

27 Feb 2021, 2:26 AM

I learned a lot from your posting, SEEKER. Thank you for posting. It is so valuable to be able to learn from the experiences of others

I liked your thoughts about:

I’ve heard it said that grief is “Love with no place to go.”

You know that you are making great strides on your Journey of Healing when love blossoms abundantly in and around you.

By your words, SEEKER, I sense that this applies to you.

Peace be with you.

- eKim

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Reply by Nouce

28 Feb 2021, 10:42 PM

Thank you, all!

SEEKER, your reflections about grief as companion resonate in my spirit. And the interweaving of grief and gratitude--a good idea. I have been working to deepen my gratitude,and now I can breathe into allowing grief to intersect with gratitude.

My granddaughter is grieving right now because she has lost a dear classmate to an aggressive cancer. She is an intensely loving but also introverted young woman. I so want to reach out, and I do: I make her some soup every week (in case you saw my post in another thread about eating and grief). I think this is what I can do right now for her.

Perhaps over time, I can also share with her thoughts about companion grief as gift.

I'm so grateful to be part of this community.

Nouce

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