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so scared but somehow i need to find a way to be strong 
Started by jorola
30 May 2014, 4:46 AM

Hi there,

I joined this group today in hopes of talking to others about this hell called cancer. My boyfriend was diagnosed with lung cancer April  20, 2014. He began treatments on May 20, 2014. I am am extremely depressed (i already suffer from chronic depression), exhausted and scared.

I met Mick 8 years ago. It was love a first sight. Everyday we laugh and smile, hug, kiss and tell each other I love you. Maybe a handful of times we had a disagreement. We never yelled, got frusrated  sure but within an hour or so we worked it out. He is the love of my life. I have never been happier. Now all i do is live in fear for losing the man i love. I did finially get a proposal out of the deal and we are gettind married in July. But I am I marrying him to only turn around and bury him? I break down sometimes at the smallest things and other times talk through the very serious things without shedding a tear. I can't sleep. When I eventually do get to sleeep it is for 30 minutes maybe and then i wake up and my mind starts rolling again.

I am working with my pyschiratrist, counsellor and family doctor. I have an anti depressant and ativan and one pill to help me sleep (it left a horrible taste in my mouth for the next 24 hrs so bad i use scope every few hours to try to get rid of it so i stopped taking that). I know i need sleep. I know it would help me more to deal with what is in front of me.

This is not even my first rodeo. My first husband had a massive stroke when he was 24 the day after our son turned 2. I was 22. I have a social work background. I dealt with the situation. yes there were good and bad days but i managed. we divorced 8 years later. His personality completely changed and we could not make it work. I was on my own for 4 years. Had one other boyfriend who wasn't the greatest but Iw as strong and worked through all that.

I don't know if I can do it this time. the fear of losing Mick - losing the love i only dreamed of having all those years before. Mick is strong and positive. He always has taken things in stride appreciated what he has each and takes each day as it comes. He is the one who is sick and I should be the strong one for him but i am a mess and  he is caring for me. How horrible am I? I got to turn this around.

I appreciate any comments anyone.

Thanks and I wish you all strength and love during your own rought times.


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Reply by NatR
30 May 2014, 6:22 PM

Hi Jodie!

welcome to the forum anthough I am sorry at the circumstances that bring you here.
so many nice people are here - people like you who have such difficult stories, we all are experiencing grief fear and how to handle the feelings that overwhelm us ;(

I read your note and saw that you have skills to help others, you have been through other tough times and I hear the fear and sadness, life is definitely not easy

but I welcome you here
you will meet others who have walked in your shoes.
no judgement,  only support and encouragement!
 You are not alone

keep sharing whatever you want to - and you will get responses.
i am sending you a huge hug with this note - to let you know you are heard and thought about.

i am tempted to say - go and get married the quickest easiest way possible and take each day and share the love and friendship to the max !

you are so lucky to have found that  - and it is so very hard to know it's also a difficult road ahead for you both!

mick needs you more than ever - jodie
glad you write to the forum anc wishing you strength to do whatever it is you need to do
natR :)
ps I don't have all the answers - I just want you to know we are here for you ;) 
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Reply by marstin
30 May 2014, 6:27 PM

Hi Jodie,

Welcome to a place of comfort, understanding, and incredible support. The people here are great listeners and we all try to help each other through the rough times.

Although Mick is the one who is sick, he also is the one who the focus is on and gets the most care. I think we've all felt guilt at times for thinking 'what about me?' but in reality we need a lot of support too. We take on the role of caregiver without complaint but we live in a world of fear and uncertainty and sometimes it's difficult to voice it. Although we know that they are the focus it doesn't take away the pain that builds up inside of us. On here we are able to speak the words and know that there is no judgement.

Your sleeplessness is not uncommon. Your mind starts to relax then suddenly everything begins to whirl around and you're wide awake again. How nice it would be to be able to shut the brain down for a little while but it doesn't seem to work that way.

I hope you continue to share your journey with us.

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Reply by jorola
31 May 2014, 2:41 AM

Thank you NatR. We have set the date for July 19, 2014. It will be a very simple wedding with family and a few friends only. Its what we would have wanted regardless. It is the one thing i look forward to.

I have the training, I have the skills, that is what is sometimes the most frustrating. I know what i need to do but i just can't seem to sometimes. I know i am only human and I know i am trying my best.

I think you are right Nat R, having people to just vent to that understand. Tracie you out it well about gulit. Here as you say I can talk about it and not feel bad, or at least try not to.

Thank you ladies for connecting with me and making me feel welcome.
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Reply by NatR
01 Jun 2014, 7:46 PM

Hello jorolla,

how are things going today?
i am so glad to hear you are going ahead with your simple but important plans to marry, to cement your bond no matter what life throws at you.

i am glad that you find the responses helpful....I am able to gain more understanding and support for myself also, I don't just listen to forum writers but they listen and respond to me.  It is a never ending circle of support both ways -  and it helps.

we all have mountains and Valleys as we journey through life.

just this weekend I experienced some highs and lows.....regardless of who we are - most people have no idea how wearing it is on the heart we hide inside us, the heart that bursts with joy and happiness one day, and the heart that cracks and cries on the inside while we smile through it all.

despite having training and skills when you are caring for a loved one it's more difficult because your heart is in the middle, your eyes and brain don't believe or can't believe what's happening....and sometimes it's the other support people around you who will gently remind you....this is okay, this is normal, this is the process .... So lean on us if we can help,  and say what's on your mind....we hear you and support you.

with my thoughts to you,
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Reply by jorola
02 Jun 2014, 1:52 AM

Well said Nat R. Most of my family and firends are a couple hours away. I am a bit of a hermit. That is why i like forums because i can do it from home when i feel up to it. I know i need to ensure i get out some and i am trying.

I wish you strength NatR. Stength to enjoy the highs to the fullest and strength to endure the lows.
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Reply by Xenia
02 Jun 2014, 2:36 AM

Hello Jodie:

Welcome to the group.  You will find compassion,understanding and caring from persons who have or are travelling the same road you are on now.

My husband has lung cancer and other ailments and I too was afraid, lonely and sleepless until I logged into this Hospice support group.  I am not saying that all my worries went away I am saying I learned a lot about palliative care, hospice, caring for a partner and learned alot about myself and how to deal with the many trying times.

I am glad to hear you have set a date for your marriage and that you will be Rick's companion in love and support.  We have been married 58 years and as you we had to deal with many things in our lives and it has made us stronger to deal with the present situation.

As you get to know us on this message board I am sure you will find that you have made friends across Canada who share you worries and are here to support you in any way we can.

Take care

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Reply by jorola
02 Jun 2014, 4:37 AM

Thank you Xenia. Congrats on your years of marriage. 58 that is ust amazing ans so wonderful to hear.

Just knowing there is somewhere I can go to talk to people without judgement and to be free without my emotions without worrying family and friends more.

As much as I hate the reason why I am here, I am glad i am here now.
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Reply by NatR
02 Jun 2014, 12:52 PM

Dear jodie,

its so good to check in on the threads of support and find conversations happening that warm the hearts of all involved.

i love that Xenia posted - she is a rock for her husband and children and has inspired me with her journey as well

i wish both of you a good day - feel the positive energy on the forum following you through the highs and lows:)

best wishes all,
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Reply by Mary M.
04 Jun 2014, 10:13 PM

Hi Jodie,

I taked to you on the other thread you posted about the loss of friends.

I keep reading about you expecting more of yourself because of your social work background. This is a really tough thing you are going through, you have to cut yourself some slack. 

A couple of weeks ago, my husband, George, really spiralled down. We thought it was the end. He stopped eating, slept all the time, was not coherent, he stopped drinking and had practically no urine output at all. I thought it was over. I was told the COPD was going to end his life in maybe 3 months- that was last June. When I thought the end was near, I could not believe it effected me like it did. I kept thinking "you knew it would happen, why are you acting this way?" I was acting that way because the head and the heart are not the same. You know what the process is, but when you have to go through it, it no longer is about what you learned in school or the seminars you attended. It is about losing the love of your life. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through. Take advantage of the people here. You can say anything to us and we will get you. We will listen and we know the feelings that you have to deal with.

You really need to sleep. I know when I have a night of my mind whirling, thinking of the what ifs, how will I cope, how can I do this, I pick a song. I sing a phrase of it in my head over and over. It helps me. It engages my mind and does not allow me to keep thinking of all the bad things. I fall asleep.

I hear you saying you feel bad because you should be strong for Mick. Remember, you are going through this together. Some days he will be the strong one and some days you will. Give yourself some time, do the best that you can then wish it well. It is all you can do anyway. Don't be hard on yourself. Come here, vent and we will listen. We all want the best for you. You have not had time to process what is happening to you. Just be sure to keep coming here and talking to us- we will be there for you.

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