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I am confused about how I am grieving

Started by Janny

08 Jan 2023, 4:48 PM

I lost my younger brother in Feb 2022. He lived 7 hours from me and we did not have a lot of contact though we were still very close and loved each other very much. I received a phone call from the police where he lived that he had been found by a friend dead and alone in his apartment. I called my parents to tell them and it was the hardest phone call I have ever had. My parents live 1200 km away from me so not being able to be there for them was insanely hard. I spent 3 days trying to find out where my brother's body was. I called the cornoner who had been assigned to the case and waited. Those 3 days were agonizing. He finally called me to inform me that they had transported his body to Toronto for autopsy. He had no answers for me and my family. He did tell me that my brother appeared to have been dead for up to a week. My heart broke to think of him all alone and possibly sick. The following months were consumed with continuous calls and messages to the coroner to find out how long it would be to receive word on cause of death. I received no return phone calls. My parents and I suspected the worse but we needed to know. My father is 92 and was trying to cope with his grief and my mother who had home oxygen, insulin dependent diabetes and progressing dementia. His grief was profound and I found myself often trying to help him through it while processing my own, which I am not sure I did well. I felt like a robot going through motions with little emotion. Arranging cremations and transport of remains back to my parents. Arranging a funeral and income tax requirements. Answering so many messages and questions from people. I had no answers. In June, right before the funeral I decided to call the regional coroner office to see if I could get answers. It so happened that they had just received the report. I never did get a call back from the cornoner and that I am truly disgusted by. Because my brother lived alone and somewhat off the grid, he was declared an indegent which although had its benefits of financial aid also made me feel so very sad to know he was classified as poverty stricken with no real family. Neither was true. I felt that the coroner and the system did not care about my family or their needs during their grief. The regional office was able to release the cause of death which as feared was a drug overdose. It will always remain unknown if it was intentional or not intentional and it has haunted me. Was he so sad he took his life. Was it just something mixed into the drugs he did not know of. And my worse thought was, did someone intentionall do this to him. It is no almost one year later and the numbness is still here. I don't know how to grieve this death I fear. I don't know that I have felt sad enough. That sounds silly I know but it is true. One month ago my mother passed away from her ongoing chronic conditions and that is also so hard. With her dementia I feel that I have been losing her for 3 years and now that she is gone, once again the intensity of grief is not what i think it should be. I don't know what is wrong with me!!! I loved her so much. She was my best friend. My dad is so very lonely and tired. I hear it each day when I call him. And I feel in my heart that he has given up and I fear that he too will be gone from my life soon. My whole little family unit within 1 year. My heart breaks but I don't think anyone sees it.

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Reply by 12

09 Jan 2023, 3:31 AM

Dear Janny

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you, on your own, to follow up on your brother's death. And I understand the questions that are so hard to answer. My sister's death was very complicated as well. I have been told that we will never know what our loved ones went through, what decisions they might have made and why. And that is so hard to comprehend. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It is wonderful you speak to your father everyday, I have also lost my sibling and mother, and wonder how my father manages, I call him every day as well.

There is no one way to grieve. I am very stoic, and then I cry. I push all the thoughts away and then they pop back in. It is a rollercoaster. I was in shock for a very long time.

Sending positive thoughts to you,

12

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Reply by Sadgirl3

09 Jan 2023, 3:59 AM

Hello Jany. I am so sorry for all your loss. I don't think that there is a wrong or right way to grieve. Everyone is different. I lost 3 family members in less than 6 months last year so I know what you are going through. I too wondered why I carried on with life while grieving but not as much as I thought that I should be. Maybe it's God's way of protecting us because too much grief can kill a person's heart. I know that I am grateful for having had them in my life and try to remember the good times.

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Reply by Janny

09 Jan 2023, 12:21 PM

Thank you so much for your words. Perhaps it is a protection mechanism and how I am coping is ok. It is good to hear from others that it is normal and ok to feel how I feel. Peace and light to you.

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Reply by 12

09 Jan 2023, 3:42 PM

How you are coping is 100 percent ok. There is no one right way. We have to find a way to manage.
Best
12

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

09 Jan 2023, 4:44 PM

Hi Janny,

Community members, as always, have stepped in to support you. I am adding some links to resources that you may already have seen. I thought they might be helpful as well. But I know that the words of others who 'understand' are so important.

When someone has died related to substance use and When your parent has died.

Kind regards,
Katherine

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Reply by Janny

09 Jan 2023, 5:19 PM

Thank you Katherine.

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Reply by Mark99

17 Jan 2023, 6:23 PM

We all grieve differently is so true. The path we take with out grief is different for all of us and that path will find light and will plunge into darkness yet it is our path as we do our grief work and journey. Be kind to yourself.

The pain of grief opens up your heart so your tears can fall freely to the ground, watering the soil where new life can grow through the dancing of memories we hold.

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