Good morning TStorm,
There are a few pieces in what you shared that really jump out for me. I'm very glad you trusted and cared for yourself and stopped seeing a therapist that was making you question your own self and causing you harm. That must not have been easy. The main difference between CBT and mindful self compassion is (in my understanding) is that CBT teaches you to have different thoughts about something with the goal that different feelings will then arise in place of the 'negative' ones. You sort of think your way to different behaviours and feelings. Mindful self compassion invites us to acknowledge the feelings that we are having and respond to them in a different way. Often, in the response the feelings can shift. May I share an example?
When grocery shopping I have the reputation of choosing the slow mowing line. When I find myself in one such line (especially on a day when I don't have lots of room in my schedule) my inner dialogue gets negative really fast. I put myself down for the line I picked, I put the person in front of me down for taking so long, I feel cross, impatient, frustrated, judgemental and then piled on top of all that I shame myself for being so petty. Taking a tool from MSC I put my hand over my heart and just gently say to myself "this is a moment of suffering". And I leave my hand there (I'm still in the line in the grocery store) and breathe and say that phrase a few more times, quietly in my own thoughts, and the crabby feelings seem to lose their grip. I gentled my way through that moment, rather than thought my way through that moment.
I completely recognize that standing in line at a grocery store is not the same as having a best friend die. You are likely having days where painful feelings show up uninvited at all hours and you may have to work hard to tend to those feelings over and over.
I don't remember what Carole's daughter asked and it seems like you were asked to not visit? Would you be able to send a card or some flowers? I loved reading about your blooming African Violets. What a beautiful reminder of your friend. There are many people in my life (including my own self) and many people on this forum who have experienced messages from loved ones. These can often be very comforting and are experienced through experiences like visitations, dreams and even animals. Last year the mother of a colleague died and the mother absolutely loved clear blue skies without a single cloud. On the one year anniversary of her passing there was the clearest, bluest sky you could imagine and my colleague was so comforted by that, it felt like a message to her that her mother was at peace and sending her love.
May you experience glimpses of peace today,
AMT