Thx for your response ekim. Gonna do a bit of a dump, "get it off my chest" as you say.
I was doing pretty good until I got the ME report. I was able to process the cause of death mentally and medically, and with so much time behind me I didn't expect that it would affect me physically again. I experienced muscle tension, upset gut, and dealt with lack of sleep for a few weeks. I'm still trying to recalibrate my sleep and work through the muscle tension.
Emotionally I feel I'm still a bit numb, but I'm still working through the trauma of witnessing his death. I've worked through a lot of anger, although receiving the life insurance I felt more anger. I'm also working through confusion, mainly the confusion of my marriage.
Not sure if I mentioned this, but my husband had a severe mental illnes, which he skillfully hid from many, even me until we married. At home was a different story. I was fully aware of his struggles as he was a hoarder. I lived with this for the 16 years we were married. He owned a condo when we were dating, I found out after we married that there was a major hoaring scenario going on. It stayed that way and was neglected for 20 years. Now I'm responnsible for cleaning up the mess his mental illnes created. The condo just got cleaned up and repaired a month ago, now I'm starting to clean up my home.
He also chose not to be treated or medicated for his depression for 12 years which profoundly impacted him, and caused damage to our marriage. That's currently been the focus of my therapy sessions. As my therapist put it, I've got to untangle myself from his mental illness.