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Reply by eKIM

08 Jan 2021, 11:29 PM

I just posted an analogy that I came across called "The Ball and the Box".

It is an interesting "take" on the grieving process.

It is one of the best ones I have ever read.

I hope it is helpful

- eKim

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Reply by McRalph

17 Mar 2021, 5:44 PM

Storybook I can so relate to what you are going through. Hugs to you.

my husband died suddenly of cardiac arrest two days before the above post was written (January 6th 2021). No prior health conditions, perfectly healthy. He got up, made our kids breakfast and then lost consciousness and died right in front of me. I had to do CPR until the paramedics arrived. I had no clue he was dying. I thought he fainted. I was in so much shock. My kids are in so much shock, we still are! We also have no idea what happened. The coroner found nothing during the autopsy so like you we have to wait. His heart was sent to a pathologist for further testing. They believe it was a genetic fatal heart arrythmia. His father also died at 44 but his fathers autopsy said it was due to Atherosclerosis (blocked arteries) so we assumed it was because his dad was a heavy smoker. We kind of thought that as long as my husband ate healthy, exercised and saw his dr regularly he'd be fine. We were so wrong. The shock is immense. The thoughts of what we might have done differently had we any idea.

anyway I just wanted to comment on your thread to offer you some sort of commiseration that you are not alone in how you are feeling :)

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Reply by Mark99

17 Mar 2021, 7:10 PM

It is very much. Very very much. Thank you.

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Reply by TrevorL

18 Mar 2021, 11:59 PM

Thank you for sharing everyone - there is a lot that resonates and process in this discussion. To Storybook, Mcralph, and others - thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss. For a loss to happen so fast, it can be hard to know what to feel…if anything. The lack of closure and isolation resonated deeply with me and it is my hope that you continue to find support amidst our community.

I can only imagine how difficult the experience must be and I echo the resources and suggestions made. I once heard that our grief is like others’ grief, somewhat like others’ grief, and nothing like others’ grief. Despite being on our own journey’s, I hope that you find the company and suggestions useful and am curious what you have found helpful in managing the days since the loss?

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Reply by McRalph

19 Mar 2021, 12:18 AM

TrevorL I have found the old cliche "one day at a time" to be the biggest help to me right now in early grief. Of course as a mother of two small kids I have no choice and they never deserved to lose one parent, let alone two so I keep going for them. Each day, each hour I get up to serve them. I am hoping I can find joy again or some sort of purpose but right now I take it day by day, hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.

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Reply by Storybook

19 Mar 2021, 1:45 AM

MCRALPH

I'm sorry for your loss - hugs & many blessings to you and your family.
I so understand your shock, I was in shock & a trauma response for about 2 months. The main thing that helped me was a grief therapist and talking to family. My therapist told me that the shock is a protective stage and is necessary if one experiences a sudden or unexpected death. It was also suggested I journal, it's sometimes raw, but I believe it was beneficial in dealing with my trauma response. It also helped with slowly accessing my emotions. My emotions are still trickling in & I was told that's ok.

TrevorL

I agree with McRalph, I too take life one day at a time. About a month ago I started doing guided meditation, it really helps to calm my mind. I also do yoga to get some movement in my day and listen to gratitude affirmations to focus on my blessings while I do things around the house. Here are the links if you want to check them out or look on YouTube to find ones that resonates with you.

Guided Morning Meditation

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FGO8IWiusJo&vl=en

Gratitude Meditation
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MLGkYCvJa8E

Divine Intervention Relaxing Prayer Meditation

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gMkM0OzoPKA

~ Storybook

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Reply by Allyson

20 Mar 2021, 12:53 AM

Hello McRalph,

It is so difficult to believe that someone has died when they are taken so suddenly. You just keep saying - no, this can't be true - it just can't be true.

One of my very good friends died suddenly of a heart attack on Sunday (March 14). Every day I keep thinking that it's a dream. He can't be gone. He and his spouse were supposed to grow old with me and my spouse. The world has fallen off its axis.

Death is however very real. I am so sorry for your loss. I hold you in my heart.

In time, may your memories of your husband become a source of strength and love for you for your lifetime.

Warm regards,
Allyson

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Reply by AMT

21 Mar 2021, 2:47 PM

Good morning everyone,
I've spent the last hour and a half reading these posts, watching the suggested TED talks (they were fantastic), having a coffee and noticing moments of compassion, sadness and admiration ebb adn flow. I am not in fresh grief at the moment, rather the 'chronic' grief that Nora McIrney acknowledges in her TED talk. Nonetheless, I found the gentle kindness you all spoke and wrote to each other palpable, like a balm. I continue to be surprised, although shouldn't be becuase it happens so often, that even when we are hurting, there continues to be a part of us that wants to reach out and connect and comfort others who are hurting.
May you all find moments of connection and comfort on this first day of spring.
AMT

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Reply by eKIM

21 Mar 2021, 4:17 PM

Hi AMT,

I just finished my cat meditation and was sitting here quietly - well actually I'm procrastinating. I need to organize my material for my grief and bereavement sessions next week. Is procrastination a form of self-care? lol

I love your posting, AMT. It brought to mind a "theory" that I have been working on for years. This "theory" (or modus operandi) is true for me, but I don't know if it is true for others. Here it is:

Why, when we are in pain, do we reach out to comfort others who are hurting?

I lost 3 family members in 2020 and I have found my way of coping. The following "Way" is my "Way" and I don't want to be presumptuous by suggesting it is a "Way" for others. We all grieve differently. There should be no judgement.

I am a very simple person (just ask my wife lol), so I look for very simple answers.

Here is my simplistic view. Don't laugh, it works for me.

When we reach out to comfort someone, it can be an act of short duration, a lifelong friendship or something in between.

It can be a "SweetSmile" to a stranger in a lineup at the grocery store. I love to do that. It warms me up inside.

It can be something as simple as an "ArrowPrayer" (directed to someone we know or even directed to a complete stranger) - An "ArrowPrayer" sent up into the ether of the universe.

By the way "The Knower of All" and the creator of the world's original "InnerNet", directs the incoming message exactly to the right person.

Just pay attention the next time you are feeling dispirited and you have a sudden lifting of the shoulders, a sigh and a sense of calm "out of nowhere". "Where did that come from?" Funny how that works.

Anyway, (like the garrulous Irishman that I am) - I ramble. Back to my simplistic theory:

The entire time that our focus is on the "other" who is hurting, guess what? Our focus is not on ourselves, not focused on our own pain.

So in the moment of Giving, we are Receiving. The Receiving is in the form of a blessed respite from our own troubles.

And whether it is short or long - isn't it a welcome relief? I like to think of it as "OutwardReaching" as opposed to "InwardSeaking".

And furthermore, this feeling of peace and calm can last much longer. All we have to do is pause occasionally and think, "The universe is good. People are good. I am good. After all, I just did a good thing by reaching out to another who is hurting."

Then the WarmFuzzies cuddle you to bits. Don't you just love that when that happens?

After a while when the WarmFuzzies seem to be in hiding, we wonder, "Where do those cute little critters hang out?"

When the world and the worries wander willfully back into our lives, we wonder, why am I not feeling uplifted today?

Our "BrainThink" can't come up with the answer. But our "HeartThink" says, "Here they are, silly, peaking and grinning at you from behind your tender heart."

The discombobulation that we feel when we can't find our WarmFuzzies, is a message to us. What is the message?

"Hey, sweet, dear, silly one. You want to find the WarmFuzzies and you don't know where to look? Try performing another random act of kindness, the WarmFuzzies will make you feel good about it and when the feeling wears off, it's a sign - Just go out and perform another random act of kindness." "Rinse and Repeat". lol

Everyone who knows me would say, "That's so sappy, eKim and so simplistic." I know, I know. But that's me. That's my story. And I'm sticking to it. LOL

"Always be kinder than necessary. You never know the burden that someone is carrying."

Love, joy, peace and patience

And may spring be with you.

- eKim

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Reply by Mark99

22 Mar 2021, 4:39 PM

eKim
I find you post refrenhingly accurate. Very much spot. Helping others seems for me to be a meticulous cultivation of my grief. In a way my grief wound and the light it has allowed in has fashioned me into a better listener. One who hears with a heart of compassion and empthy. I help others to find myself in connection with others.

Mark

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