Hello All
It's been awhile since I been around, and for some reason I just can't explain why. I mean I know why, its not a secret, but for some reason I have been in a 'funk' and no amount of chocolate seemed to help.
I suppose it is as a friend told me it would be, a time of coming to terms with what was, what is gone, and as much as I wished it wasn't, it was. Yet somehow, tonight was different. It was like, well a fog had cleared.
For the first time in a long time, I actually watched the news, saw the Liberals sweep to power and all I could think of, was how I watched Pierre Trudeau sweep to power, with Mom and Dad way back all those decades ago. And now here was his son, becoming Prime Minister, and how much Mom would have loved to see that happen.
Maybe it was his message of hope, or his message that Canadians sought for 'better' not the status quo. I don't know, but for some reason I actually feel like I can accept Mom is gone, that I am not really alone, despite that loss. Life suddenly seems, well worth looking at once again.
I was a political junkie back in the day, but even this election only made me angry, until tonight.
The country had changed, while I cared for Mom, and yet here we are, changing again, but without her, and yet I find some hope in that. I don't need the chocolate, to realize that we are lucky, that we had those moments with those we lost, and that they would only want us to move on, to remember them with thoughts of love, of laughter, of joy, and that being in a 'funk' just isn't how they would want it.
Mom died nearly two years ago now, two years this Nov 26, and when you say it, it sounds like a long time, but honestly it has felt like it was only yesterday. I can still see her smile, smell her perfume, feel her eyes on me, and it makes me sad, makes me feel empty and all alone, but yet tonight, for the first time in all this time, it doesn't feel that way. It does feel hopeful, that there was a purpose that one day, I may come to understand.
I have read the posts, felt the loss so many are facing, and it feels like that is how our lives ar meant to be, a sense of loss, that one day, we hope, will change to one of reunion. I suppose if one doesn't believe in a higher Being, there is another thought that will help them through what seems an endless roar of pain and emptiness.
Truthfully I marvel at the strength so many have posted, and I wish I had such strength, such endurance to face it all, but then I realize, in some ways, I had that strength too. Tonight, I realize that tomorrow is possible, that it won't have to be like yesterday. Tomorrow might be filled with more endless tears, but maybe they will be tears of joy too. After all, for 60 years I was loved, cherished, and held, all for these days.
Maybe that is their legacy, and maybe it will be mine too. That those I meet, will remember me with fondness, with humour. I don't know, but I do know that sitting and being filled with self pity, with fear, isn't gonna cut it. Maybe I need a sign or something, and maybe this was it, or maybe it is just the superstition in me, the wanting to believe in the mystical wonder of life, but whatever it is, I hope it holds for longer than a brief time.
We all cope in our own ways, and I am amazed at how much so many here have had to deal with, and sit in awe at all your strength in just getting out of bed each day. You all have had to deal with far more than I have, yet you all have such courage, such faith, such humour in the face of adversity, that it is rather inspiring. Maybe in some sense, that is what our new Prime Minister alluded to when he said it was US who made the difference, not him.
You know, it is nice to suddenly feel hopeful again, even if it only lasts the night, it is a feeling that I think I can hold onto. Course I may have to bolster it with a nice piece of fudge or some super slice of brownie, or even a nice gooey piece of chocolate.
Ah heck, I'll have all three, what the heck, you only live once, right? or did I miss the memo, again. LOL
This really is a good place, and thank you all for your sharing of your stories. It does make a real difference, least it has to me.
Thank you
Ian