Hi Xenia
I am glad you wrote, I have been sort of missing my stop ins here. Mother's day is a tough one for me, as it brings back so many memories, some painful, simply knowing that there are no more Mothers Day for me. Nor birthdays, as May 12 was Mom's birthday which is so close to Mothers Day, that we used to celebrate them together.
I still remember Dad sneaking out of the house, early those Sunday mornings, to go and get Mom a birthday card and Mothers day one, then find some place open that had Carnations, Mom's favorite.
It was a running joke with them, that he always remembered, at the last possible moment, though it was all just a routine between them. Dad always knew when it was, and it never did seem to take him long to head out, and return with that Carnation and two cards.
It is those little things, that make the tears well up, but then somehow my clouded memory clears, and I can see her face beaming, Dad's smiling down at her, as he handed her the carnation, that change the tears from being ones of loss, to tears of happy rememberance. It is like one second you feel like your world is filled with nothing but darkness, as the sorrow tries to gain hold, but it is those memories that hold it back, that push it away and suddenly you can breath again, feel the warmth of her hand on my cheek, see the love sparkle between her and dad, even after 61 years.
I am rambling a bit, but then that is just how it is. I can see her face now, see Dad's eyes, and yes, I can feel their love for each other, even though Dad has been gone 11 years now. I could see it in her face, each time she would turn to say goodnight to the picture of him, by her bed, and I can feel it in my own heart, as I look across at their picture to the right of my desk.
As hard as it is, I can honestly say that I can still feel their love around me, and I think, in time, those of us lucky enough to have known honest love amongst our partners, our parents, our offspring, come to realize, it is indeed the unbreakable univeral bond, that still surrounds us.
Their physical being is gone, but once the shock wears down a bit, I think we come to know, that they are not really gone. Everywhere I turn, I can feel her, see her eyes twinkle, hear her exclaming over something as simple as enjoying a single raspberry from our own bush. I can hear her lips smacking, as she bites into a freshly picked strawberry from our own plant.
She isn't here to celebrate Sunday, and yet, she really is. If that makes any sense. The pain of not seeing her physcial presence still hurts, aches almost beyond endurance, and yet it passes, as I feel her presence, feel her and Dad's spirit wrapping around me, letting me feel their love, just as I remember seeing it.
Dont be sad, just close your eyes and you will find, your loved one is still there, still waiting for his song, so he can bask in the love that you both shared, still share. The body may be gone, but the love, is enduring. Nothing can ever take that away, so let the tears roll, not of grief, but of joy for having that love to comfort you, as you need it.
Ian