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Struggling with sudden & unexpected loss 
Créé par Storybook
30 déc. 2020, 23 h 58

I lost my husband of 25 years on Dec. 10, 2020. It was very traumatic & unexpected. I feel stuck & numb, reliving the moments of that morning - the memory haunts me. The medical examiner had no explaination, so the reason is currently unknown. I now have to wait 6 to 12 months for the ME written autopsy report, which I pray provides some explanation to give me closure. Grieving has been super hard, especially with the limitations of Covid. How does one grieve alone when you can't gather and get the much needed hugs from friends & family?
 
Réponse de AMT
31 déc. 2020, 4 h 54

Oh Storybook that sounds very hard. I'm so sorry to hear that you are navigating these first few weeks of grief without the gathering and gentle care from friends and family. I'm so glad you found your way here to the forum. I know you will find many kind people to listen to your experience with compassion. I know it doesn't replace the support and affection from friends and family but I hope you will hear that you are not alone.

Mindful self compassion teaches us that we can offer gentle touch to ourselves. I know it isn't the same as a warm hug but I find it helps. I wonder if you might find it helpful when you are reliving the traumatic memories of the morning of your husbands death. You used the word "haunt" to describe those memories. A strategy when you notice those intrusive memories showing up is to place your hand over your heart space, you will feel your body warm up just a bit from your hand, notice the suffering you are feeling and perhaps saying a gentle phrase to yourself like a dear friend would say. I imagine it might sound a bit strange but it can be very helpful. Traumatic memories can be emotionally draining and intrusive. Interrupting them with a gentle touchstone is important.

You may also want to connect with a 24 hour support service in your area. In Winnipeg (where I am from) the number for the crisis line is 204.786.8686, there is a toll free number as well 1.888.322.3019. Again, it's not quite the same but it is really important when you are grieving to reach out for that human connection, even if over the phone.&nbsp;<br /><br />I'll end by sending you compassionate thoughts, wherever they find you. Should you wish to reply I would be glad to read and respond to your post.

Warmly, 
AMT
 
Réponse de Nouce
01 janv. 2021, 2 h 08

Dear Storybook,

 

My heart goes out to you. This is a terrible time--unexpected and shocking grief, and then not the traditional helps for the grieving process.

 

I have not faced that kind of grief. I hope that you will seek help you need, at least so that you can sleep. And I found early in my grieving process that writing letters to my loved one was a way to say things that there was no other way.

 

Morerecently I have found breathing and yoga exercises ways to smooth out the crunching pain I often feel inside. But whatever you do, keep breathing, and if you can, see any small sign of beauty that comes your way, even for an instant. One day at a time.

 

Know that we hold you close in the family of CVH

 

Nouce
 
Réponse de eKIM
01 janv. 2021, 4 h 10

It is said that the price of great love is great pain. Your pain shows so vividly in your words, Storybook.  My heart goes out to you.


One of the things that make people so loveable is how they show their love.  Your love for your husband shines brightly.


So that, my dear, makes you loveable.  In this difficult time, remember that.  Remember to love yourself.


People crave physical touch.  It is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. 


But during these crazy times we live in, touch is not possible, like it used to be. 


AMT’s “heart on the hand” advice is “right on”.  Here is something that has worked for me:


Sole to Soul Connection


It is interesting that soul and sole are homonyms.


Set yourself in a restful, relaxing position. 


Place your bare hand on the bare sole of your foot. 


Think, “sole, soul”. 


Imagine this tender physical part of you (sole) representing the tender spiritual part of you (soul). 


Close your eyes, relax, breathe deeply in and out. 


Imagine this sweet physical sensation transcending into a sweet spiritual sensation. 


Touch your soul by touching your sole. 


Immerse yourself in the sweet sensation.


Nurture yourself.  Love yourself. 


Feel the love of your loved ones flowing through to your soul.


Peace flows from love.


I wish you love and peace, Storybook.


eKim
 
Réponse de Storybook
01 janv. 2021, 4 h 43

Thanks for your reply & support.

AMT - I appreciate your response, it gave me comfort and I felt supported just reading your message. I will try the mindful self compassion you mentioned & the hand over heart space technique. I don’t think I need to connect with a crisis at this time, but I appreciate your help & concern. I have contacted a family therapist who will support me through my journey of grief. Also, thx for your compassionate thoughts.

Nouce - Your response was so thoughtful. Thx for your suggestion of yoga. I’ve been doing yoga for 10 yrs and I continue to do yoga yoga a few time a week which gives me some calm, even if it’s brief. I also started doing guided meditation which I find soothing. Thx for your ending comment abou being held close in the CVH family. It warmed my heart.

EKIM - I love your comment & the soul-to-sole connection idea! Thx so very much for your response.

I anticipate I’ll need support even if it’s in the form of reading comforting words in responses, so I won’t hesitate to post if I’m feeling I need to share my thoughts or worries just to feel connected to the CVH family.
I feel like I just found a new home.

Many thx!
 
Réponse de eKIM
01 janv. 2021, 17 h 04

You know something that jumped out at me?  The time stamp on your post: “11:43”.  While a lot of people might be focused on a yearly ritual, you were writing the STORYBOOK of your New Year.  You are looking forward and not exclusively backwards.  I feel proud of you, and I don’t even know you!  lol


That speaks to me of hope rather than despair.


And not just “pie in the sky” hope.  This is evidenced by your solid planning in the right direction.  Reaching out to a family therapist is a great move.  Out of all the people I have listened to, over the years, the ones who find peace seem to be the ones who reach out for help.


After this formal grief therapy (and I suspect the keyword is “after”), the next helpful step (many people tell me) is joining a Group Grief session. 


I am involved with one now that is nearing conclusion.  The participants say that it’s like finding a new family.  A family that listens without judging.  People who are also dealing with grief and who are learning how to progress on their own Journey of Healing.  The members seem to have bonded and plan to support each other after the end of the 12-week sessions. 


I am just “throwing” ideas out there.  Don’t view this as something you must do.  It is entirely up to you.  Groups are not for everyone.  Only you can know what is right for you.


Love, peace and patience with your sweet self.


-eKim
 
Réponse de barbcurt
02 janv. 2021, 6 h 51

Hello Storybook

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss.  As I have read through this post I see that many have replied and offerred their assistance.  This is truly a supportive community that we can access.  It is a safe space where people can offer their compassion and understanding.
In 2018 my wife passed away.  The loss of the one we love the most is devastating.  You will get lots of advice, and honestly, it is always offered with love and the best intentions.  As I have read so many times, your grief is your own.  No one knows what you are going through.  We can only offer our shared experience in hopes that some little part of our own grieving process may help you in some way.
For my own part, my wife and I were together 28 years and one month to the day.  It has only been a couple of years but I still experience all the emotions as if it were my first Christmas alone.  I say this so that you realize it is okay to grieve.  You need to take as much time as you need to recover, as we all do.
I see in an earlier post by Mike that references videos available from AHS (?), I think that is it.  I am always searching for information to help me understand myself.  What I am going through?  Why do I feel this way?  Is there any hope for me?  I found that the videos he referenced are quite informative.
Unfortunately, there is only hope that things will get better.  I am not good at this but can only relate my experience.  Just know that I and many others are hear to listen. I find at times, that alone can offer some comfort.
BarbCurt
 
Réponse de Storybook
02 janv. 2021, 17 h 10

BarbCurt

Thx for your response & sorry for your loss. I too have also read that each person grieves differently and it's unique as the one you had the relationship with. I try not to question why I feel numb, it's like my emotions are stuck. When I contacted my therapist to set up an appointment she explained this is normal and I may be experiencing PTSD with what I witnessed the morning he passed. It still feels weird or strange as I go through the motions of my day & doing life without his presence. Sometimes his death doesn't feel real. Logically I know it is, I saw him in hospital with my sister, asked for his wedding band, yet part of me can't fully comprehend it. I know it's ok to grieve & that I'm grieving in my own way - I just feel like I want to cry yet I'm not & feel stuck.

I appreciate everyone's post & it's helpful to share my loss with those who have been through this and understand the complexity of grief. I have support from friends, family etc. but I don't share some things because I know they can't fully understand. They become quiet, uncomfortable & awkwardly change the topic. Here I receive true heart felt understanding & compassion. It really is a safe space to share.

eKim - Thx for your last post.

Virtual hugs to everyone - we all need more these days even if it's just through words. 

(((Hugs)))  Storybook 
 
Réponse de Mark99
03 janv. 2021, 19 h 36

"Grief Is A Mobius Strip" is a post I wrote back in October. This is from that post and pretty much is how I navigate my grief. 



I’ve always embraced and will continue to accept the wound my grief created. It is the point of entry for all the light that fills me with knowledge, understanding, and a greater ability to love. My grief wound has guided me since Donna died. It's a pin drop on the horizon of my grief journey. It's the point I look toward with the hope that the grief I carry continues to help me and those I share my journey with. 


I attacked my grief hard. I've walked with it, slept with it, and lived with it. The reality, it’s not rainbows and unicorns. It's an endless möbius strip. With all this knowledge comes harsh painful moments forcing me to look deeper and harder at myself and the world around me. 

Much love to all 
 
Réponse de Mert
08 janv. 2021, 19 h 35

I have the privelege of walking currently with two women who have recently lost their husbands.  One is distressed that she hasn't been able to cry and is worried that there's something wrong with her that she can't express her grief externally in the 'right way'.  The other can't stop crying and often apologizes for that.  The words 'everyone grieves differently' are said so often that it can sound like a cliche, but it's so very true and so important to know and believe that so that we won't heap self-judgment and shame on top of our already heavy burden of sorrow.  I think one of the healing aspects of our sharing of ourselves here, of 'grief groups' and crisis lines and therapists is that our bereavement experience is accepted and normalized.  We're not going crazy; we're caught up in a maelstrom of powerful emotions and memories, and the diversity of ways that we experience and express that gives each person permission to just accept what's happening in the moment and have the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And then of course there is all the coping strategies we can learn from each other; again 'different strokes for different folks' but always the reminder to be compassionate towards outselves and to try out different strategies until we find what works for us to ground ourselves in the storm.

I love this virtual community; thank you Stroybook for bringing out the best in us and reminding us that while our reactions are unique we all share the experience of sorrow and are all able to understand, cradle and comfort one another.

Mert


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