Hey Brad
First off I must say that losing not one, but two close friends must be so hard. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
I've only ever lost one loved one at a time and that was hard. I can't imagine what you are going through.
I believe that you have done well to reach out to us here in this forum. Not only is it a way for you to "get things off your chest", but you will read a variety of responses.
Even if you do not find all the responses helpful, perhaps just one "nugget" from one person will ring true and help you on your journey. You said that you wanted your friends to be proud of you, in what you accomplish.
Were they mentors to you? Are you acting as a mentor to others? Would you get satisfaction and happiness by showing others what has been shown to you?
In my lifetime I have tried to live by this motto:
"What is one secret of happiness? Go out and perform one random act of kindness. Then think about it - a lot: (it will give you WarmFuzzies). When the feeling wears off, it's a sure sign to go out and do it again."
I wish you happiness, Brad. Love and peace too.
- eKim