We just returned from a lovely trip to England and Scotland. It’s a beautiful time of year to travel. The weather was divine as we drove through the countryside enjoying the vistas in their fall splendour. It was also easy to find accommodation everywhere we went.

At one B&B in Edinburgh, breakfast conversations often spilled over from one table to the next. I’m not sure if it was the configuration of the room or the particular warmth engendered by the hosts, but strangers talking to strangers happened without restraint here. When the conversation turned to loss, I felt all of you join me in the conversation.

The first morning, I met a fellow Canadian who was making a whirlwind visit to attend the funeral of her grandmother. The purpose of our journeys differed so much that I knew it best to offer my condolences and then just listen, hoping that if she had something she wished to say, she would know I would hear her.  

The second morning’s encounter I found a little more difficult. An Australian woman introduced herself. She was taking a 2-month journey around the globe with her son. It was his gift to her. You see, she lost her husband 8 months ago and her son thought it would be good to get away. It seemed to me she was torn – proud of her son and delighted to be travelling with him, but also wishing that she could be sharing all the new sites, sounds, tastes and smells with her life’s travelling companion.

Again, thanks to learning from your conversations on Virtual Hospice, I listened. I opened up the door to let her talk about her husband, about the trips they had done together and the ones they didn’t get to do. I knew that the tears welling up in her eyes were both good and difficult.

But, I have to admit that I was afraid of what hurt I might cause with my words. I’ve read your messages about how strangers can say the most wonderful things, but that sometimes unexpected conversations can also leave you shattered. Were some of my responses going to wound unnecessarily or would I comfort? How would I know?

So, I turn to you. What do you wish people to say when you’ve just told them that you lost a loved one? 

I came across this article recently, entitled, “How not to say the wrong thing.”  It gives some very good tips on how to talk with those who are grieving – what to say, what not to say, and to whom to say it to. 

I really liked the aspect of drawing a series of expanding circles (with the griever in the innermost circle) to explain how to effectively communicate with people depending on how close they are to the person grieving.  I hope you find this helpful.  - eKim

 http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407