“Do I accept invitations to celebrate with others or just stay home with my sadness?”

“My wife loved the holidays. It’s bittersweet to put up the decorations; I see her everywhere and love the memories, but the pain is hard to bear.”

Feelings of grief can come up at unexpected times, and holidays can be especially difficult. There are things all around you that trigger memories. It can help to acknowledge that grief will likely be a guest during the holidays. This is vital for everyone, so you can feel comfortable sharing memories and emotions.

The holiday season will be different without your loved one. Here are some tips that can help. 

• Do only as much as are able or want to do.
• Begin new traditions.
• Plan ahead and incorporate memories of your loved one into the plans.
• Find ways to give to others in need.
• Do something completely different from anything you’ve done before. 

You may like to read Grief in Times of Celebration: The Empty Spot by Glen Horst, Virtual Hospice’s Spiritual Care Advisor. In her story, The Holidays Minus Two, Kim shares the tradition she and family started to help them through the holidays after their losses. And Judy's Story: Kids, Grief and the Holidays tells how she called a travel agent and said “Get me a beach, a buffet and a direct flight.”

Some people find it reassuring to participate in traditional holiday activities, while others may find it too difficult. Let’s learn from each other.

• How do you cope with grief and the holidays? 
• What do you find particularly tough as the holiday season approaches?

Wounded Holidays 
by Alan Harris

Young, they left our homes
in a moment, long or quick,
they were gone.

Dewdrops turned into teardrops,
the shining sea too small
to hold our grief.

"Give us our children back," we pled
as we noticed their plateless places
at the table.

Regret made a river through our days,
tempering laughter,
pervading sudden silences.

Bodies they had through us, with us
bodies housing minds and souls
no longer.

The holiday season's return
makes throb now the wounds
we felt at their parting,

wounds which may heal
in time, we hope,
into strength

but not yet, in this season
of snowflakes that sting and cookies
that somehow taste of vinegar.

"If only," goes our carol.
If only they could return to us
but no.

If only
we could speak with them
but no.

If only we could love them
so intensely that they could
feel our presence right now

but yes, yes to this one,
a thousand yesses--
they can.

How can they not feel our love,
being core in core with us,
heart in heart?

We give love this season to them and
to each other as plundered parents
and wounded healers.

With love flowing, something in our lives
a magnificent, mysterious Something
guides us like a star.

Dear Martsin:

Sometimes frustration can lead us to act or react in ways we never thought we were capable of, but trust me “that is not you”, it’s just your emotions taking control. And sometimes it is so hard to control them again...

When I finally left my husband 6 years ago (because he was an abusive man who tried to kill me and kidnap my kids) I experienced some of the frustration you are going through. I was alone with 3 kids, not enough income, living in a new place that needed to be fixed, and I expected a lot of help from my then 10, 8, 5 years old children. Sometimes I would scream at them and be mean (I thought)..I felt so lonely...

But time has gone by and they have learned to help me, now we talk about how things were and why I was the way I was and they totally understand. I have told them so many times how sorry I am for everything they had to go through and what they have told me is how much they admire my strength, that I was there for them always, that I didn’t give up! We have an incredible bond. They help me now (sometimes with an attitude because they are teenagers...) but we love each other and we are there for each other.

I can assure you this will pass. They will understand in the future and they, the same as you, are adapting to a new normal, learning new things (like cleaning the house) and that’s it, you didn’t do it before but now you have to.

Sometime we forget that this is part of grieving. We are not only grieving the person who died but also the person we use to be when they were here.

With Christmas just around the corner you have a great opportunity to give your daughters a great gift: YOUR LOVE. You can make something for them, write them a letter. Something I have done is to have blank Christmas cards and when we are exchanging presents everyone gets a blank card and has to write in it what they are offering to the family for the next year.. Then we put them on the tree and then all year long in our rooms as a reminder of what we offered.

Do you have any ideas in mind?

How old are your daughters?

Sending you my best wishes,

ShiningStar