Forums de discussion

guilt and remorse after death of husband 
Créé par BarbaraJane
05 févr. 2021, 18 h 00

Hello
This is my first time here.      My husband of 37 years died last May, 2020 with CHF.    The past few years were difficult for him as he got weaker and more short of breath.   Many nights were difficult for him to sleep--and consequently, for me as well.    As the months went on, I became  so tired and I think, burned out, that I feel like I became someone I don't even know.   I started to wish "it was over" at times.    I started living in a "fog" and in fear of what was to come.    The days and nights were filled with caregiving, which became heavier by the month.    I started to become more frustrated, nervous, worried, scared, etc.     On a couple of occasions----I was so frustrated and angry, I lashed out verbally in front of him in a very bad way.      I was so sorry for doing that and shocked that I would do that---it is not my way at all.     I apologized to him, telling him it was not him, but that I was tired and it was wrong of me to do that.   He never once complained about anything all the time he was ill---only thanking me for caring for him.  
Now he is gone and I am obsessed and overwhelmed with guilt for not finding another way to vent my frustration rather than to be verbally angry in front of him.     There were so many good things that happened during that time, but I cant think of any of them---just horrified that is how I reacted and that it was so close to his death, which I was denying was coming.      I miss him so very much---we did everything together and enjoyed our life together.    I so wish I could re=do those moments differently.    
I just wonder if this has happened to anyone else and if so-----how do you learn to forgive yourself or handle it?    I have tried journalling, trying to talk to people, writing a letter to him---but nothing helps.   It is just getting worse.   
 
Réponse de Marymary
06 févr. 2021, 1 h 23

Hi BarbaraJane

I'm sorry your husband passed & your feeling the way you are.  it is a real tough road & as for you, you are still grieving & there is NO time limit to that & with grieving so very many emotions/feelings hit us, smack dab in the face & yes it can seem very overwhelming at times.  But please try not to be so hard on yourself but like i say its hard.

You did the best you could possibly do with the situation you were in.  Maybe ask yourself if i was my normal every day self, would i have acted the same way - NO you wouldn't have.  So, when people are over-tired or over worked, or overstressed they are not themselves as you well know.  in saying that please realize you still are not your ol normal self, you are grieving/mourning & that is perfectly ok.  That where the patience comes into play. 

I know guilt & remorse can do a number on you, from experience.  But in saying you weren't yourself - you truly were not.  So have some patience with yourself & try to think of the good times, the day you got married, when you kids were born etc. if you have kids.  The really good memories, what brought you 2 together.  And in time more wonderful memories will come to mind.

My son tells me when i get snappy/PO'd/angry mom eat something please because I get hangry when I'm hungry & I'll apologize & he's like I know mom, it was hunger talking not really you.  Just as his dad is so very angry & po'd about his cancer & his chemo brain & more than anything mad at his body, he can be an real a-hole but my son & I both know he's not mad at us, he's mad & frustrated at his situation.  So we carry on, oh believe you me there have been a few fights (arguments really) with dad/son & then me & his dad but we (son & I) wor through it with each other for each other.  as for his dad no way he'll ever apologize because he's so caught up in his own turmoil, his OWN self loathing with his body he can't see past that. 

So yes it was the situation you were in that got you angry or PO'd,  not your hubby.  You apologized, you did it from your heart....

Please know in your heart of hearts he knows that, he truly does, you verbally said it to him, you were sorry.  He knows because you were there loving n caring for him that overrides anything else, it so does.

Hope this helps a little bit.  Take care - Marymary    
 
Réponse de Marymary
06 févr. 2021, 1 h 32

PS - So yes it was the situation you were in that got you angry or PO'd,  not your hubby.  

At that space & time you also were trying to accept nothing you can do for him, your love of your life & you couldn't do 1 damn thing, then that he would not be here, he'd be leaving, whether that was consciously or sub-consciously & that is some big time stuff to be dealing with on top of being tired/exhausted.  So anyone would be having a hard time with that - anyone.  So patience with self
 
Réponse de eKIM
06 févr. 2021, 2 h 43

Hi BarbaraJane

I came across this on the website self-compassion.org


https://self-compassion.org/exercise-1-treat-friend/


I thought that it might be a good exercise to do if one gets “stuck in the mud of the mind” and finds the wheels spinning in our head.


Sometimes simply looking at something from a completely different angle can be very helpful.  Sometimes it can lead us on a path of self-healing.


I hope this helps. 


- eKim


How would you treat a friend?  


Exercise 1: Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:


What Do You Do For A Struggling Friend?


©     First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way.


©     How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)?


©     Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.


What Do You Do For Yourself When You Are Struggling?


©     Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling.


©     How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations?


©     Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.


What Differences Did You Notice Between The Two Scenarios?


©     Write down the differences in your reactions in the above two scenarios.


©     Write down why you think you reacted differently to yourself as opposed to your friend.


©     What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?


How Could Things Be Better?


©     Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.


©     Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
 
Réponse de BarbaraJane
11 févr. 2021, 17 h 09

Thank you both for your responses and support.  
Such a difficult journey---especially during these times.
Barbara Jane


Nos partenaires
Questions-réponses
Questions-réponses

Découvrez ce que les Canadiens veulent savoir

Consulter un professionnel
Consulter un professionnel

Notre équipe d’experts est là pour répondre à vos questions à propos des maladies potentiellement mortelles et de la perte d’un proche.

Simplement envie de parler?
Simplement envie de parler?

Participez aux forums
de discussion.

Livres, liens et bien plus
Livres, liens et bien plus

Recommandations de notre
équipe

Programmes et services
Programmes et services

Services offerts aux échelons
local, régional et national

S’abonner à l’Infolettre
S’abonner à l’Infolettre
  • logo
  • © Portail canadien en soins palliatifs, 2003-2024.