Hi there,
My mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in October. We have watched my dad (legally deaf) deteriorate cognitively for about a year now. Since my mom's diagnosis, my father has deteriorated much faster and he still believes she will get better - he cannot accept the diagnosis yet. I should preface that until early in 2020, my parents were doing well - they are currently 85 and 87 years old.
My mom is at home and my father believes he is doing everything he can to help my mom, but he has fallen into patterns that is affecting and stressing my mom to a point where she cannot sleep anymore. At most times now his actions are no longer rational (blaming my mom for missing pillows, having a boyfriend, not letting her sleep, repeating himself over and over again, loosing money and papers in the house) and then other times he is quite lucid.
My mom thought she could handle him but this is no longer working. We have suggested cognitive testing for him (finally got this scheduled for Feb sometime), getting counselling, taking her away for a few days to detox from the stressful environment - all to being denied her wanting to do anything (she believes she still knows best). She calls me in the middle of the night crying because my dad won't let her sleep or leave her wander around the house because she can't sleep - it's a real XXXX show. My mom always believes she knows best of everything, but she is no longer making rational decisions and this is excellerating her illness and fragility. She hasn't wanted to tell her palliative Dr. about what is going on, but I have put my foot down and this week we will be telling her palliative doctor what has been going on.
My question is, as her power of care and the only person she really talks to about how she feels and the disruption at home and the burden is overwhelming for me. COVID aside, I have a family as well who I look after, my parents live 50 km away from me, I lost my job due to COVID and am financially in trouble now too. How can I help her or guide her or do I start making better decisions for her ? I don't know what to do anymore. Both are expecting me to fix things but I don't have any idea what to do. Please help.