Discussion Forums

How is she doing? Is she better? Responding to acquintances

Started by caritas

09 Sep 2019, 2:03 PM

I'm currently caring for my terminally ill mother. Cervical cancer (stage 4b from the get-go) was extremely aggressive, she completed 3 rounds of chemo all of which were unsuccessful. She is now exhibiting all signs of pre-death activity, pretty agonizing terminal restlessness, and all kinds of uncomfortable symptomatology, with a few lucid instances in-between. I keep getting messages from people asking questions on how she is doing, which is understandable in a sense, and I always answer to people that were close to my mom by saying something along the lines of "she is the same" (she is getting worse by the day, but I only share these updates with immediate family -i.e. her siblings, 2-3 best friends). I get extremely agitated when I receive the "How is she doing?" "Is she any better?" or "Please update me" questions/comments by people who just found out, or who turned up out of the blue and request updates every few days. I really am at a loss of words on how to respond, given that the prognosis was pretty poor from the beginning of her diagnosis 7 mos ago, she is deteriorating faster than we were expecting. Does any one else feel like that? I don't find these messages conforting at all, and can't deal with the mental energy required to respond, whilst caring for her full time...

Help

Report this post

Reply by NatR

25 Sep 2019, 12:36 AM

Dear Caritas

sigh, I’m sorry. I think that those requests for updates and news are meant well - but that honestly these communications are so difficult to relay to you, your friends just don’t know how to say that they are thinking of you and your mom.

its very hard to reply without sounding harsh or ungrateful for their communication- but I get what you are feeling, and it’s really hard to explain that each day is yet another difficult day for you and your mom ...

perhaps? You can express that their enquiries ( is that a word? It looks odd) are appreciated / that they mean the world to you, and that today things are much the same?
i am sure your friends want you to know they are out there. That they are thinking of you both
that’s why this forum is here... exactly why!

you can Vent, no feelings are hurt, and you can get it off your chest . Not sure how else to address it - at least at this very moment

perhaps you Will think of your own unique response that lets your friends know that their thoughts and concern do help

Sending you good Thoughts
take care of yourself :)
write Again
best wishes
take care of you
NatR

Report this post

Reply by ellisael

03 Oct 2019, 9:13 AM

Read this heartwarming post and the reply on it. Just wanted to strengthen the thought that the space is right here and it is safe and i want to reiterate how brave you are and bravery doesn't necessarily exclude moments of tenderness and overwhelming sorrow.

Report this post

Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

07 Apr 2020, 8:57 PM

Hi
I know it's been several months since you posted Caritas, and I wondered how you were doing? Katherine

Report this post

Reply by caritas

25 May 2020, 4:32 PM

Dear Katherine,

Thank you so much for asking and for caring with this follow-up.
We lost her soon thereafter, unfortunately.
It took me a while in therapy to even start the healing process for the compassionate trauma caused by this experience. I'm thinking about maybe writing a book on the trauma of carers at some point in the future.

Thank you all for your kind words and heartwarming support.

I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well.

<3 Caritas

Report this post

Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

25 May 2020, 4:59 PM

Caritas how good to hear from you. When you are ready - the book sounds like an excellent idea. My husband had a traumatic experience as a young man and about 25 years later wrote a book about it. It was never a best seller:) but people have told me how it has helped them and helped them help others. I hope you let us know when (not if) it is published. It sounds as though there is more light in your life these days - despite the pandemic presence. Good.

Caritas I know the circumstances are not the same but I wonder if you would consider responding to Cas who posted to Caregiving last week.

But please know this is an invitation not an expectation.

Take care
Katherine

Report this post

Enter your email address (the one you used when you joined Canadian Virtual Hospice). We will email you a new password right away.

Email Address:

Become a Member

As a member of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, you can ask a question confidentially on Ask a Professional and contribute to the Discussion Forums. Join for free now to connect and share with others.

Discussion Forum members receive a monthly newsletter. You also have the option to sign up for the Canadian Virtual Hospice monthly newsletter.

Please fill in the information below.

Nickname:*

You will be known to other users only by your nickname. You do not need to reveal your identity by using your full name, real name or email address. Choose a nickname that is easy for you to remember.

Email Address:*

Your email will not be visible on the Virtual Hospice website. We will NOT sell, distribute or misuse your email address.

Password:*

Confirm Password:*

Country: