Dear WM,

I'm soory I have not replied befpre now.  It takes me a while to process new things these days.  Your compassion and kind words truly touched my heart.  You hit the nail on the head and I get that you understand the journey.  It's ugly.  Watching a great man slowly deteriorate, losing his ability to speak, sometimes reason is devastating and hearthbreaking to watch.  Sometimes I wished something catastrophic would take him, so he doesn't suffer....and then the guilt I feel for even thinking this way is crushing.  I cherish every moment I have with him, but already I mourn the loss of the relationship we once shared.

It's always a quandry.  Always anxiety ridden...never peace.

I hope this finds you coping and well, my new friend.  Thank yo for reaching out to me.  I appreciate you.

Dear Katherine,

Thank you for contacting me.  I couldn't find a way to respond directly to Wingman, so I hope he's able to view my reply to him here.

My husband was told 2 weeks ago that there is no more treatment they can offer.  So we know what that means.  He is deteriorating, particularly with speech and on occasion, reasoning.  Most days he feels well and is able to enjoy life.  Golfing, fishing, walking the dog.  We just got back from a trip to the Sunshine Coast.  I took him and his Sister to visit their folks.  But it was obviously draining at times...especially the conversational parts.  I do my best to advocate on his behalf, explaining to people to no ask questions, instead, just talk...and my husband will join in when he's able.  But people don't always get it.

I remain in a constant state of anxiety.  Perpetual fight or flight mode.  I can't sleep, if I eat, I vomit.  It's been a helluva weightloss program.  Good job I was fat to begin with cuz I'm now a size 3.

I found a private grief counsellor who is amazing.  I have also been practicing EFT Tapping, and find that useful at times too.  I'm doing my best.  I will be here for my husband for as long as needed.  I just pray we meet again in another life...because we have sooo much unfinished business, and so little time.

Take care,

Moll.

Good afternoon WM,

Thanks for writing. I hope this finds you well.

My husband, although no longer receiving treatment remains fairly stable.  Though to speech process ia the challenge, made worse when he's tired or stressed.  I took him our fishing on Sunday on the boat. And I arrange socials for him with friends, cuz he's useless at making arrangements, lol. Always was.

He saw his family doctor yesteray and I asked is it was truly necessary for us to make the 2 hour round trip to Vancouver to see the Oncologist who can no longer treat him.  Turns out, my husband's family doctor will take the reins from hereonin.  I emailed the oncologist to cancel our appointment and the nurse wrote back and said "Enjoy the next few weeks/months"  I was so mad she was so thoughtless to say this to me.  As if I need a reminder.

The grief counsellor is amazingly supportive.  She is at Living Through Loss at 1st and Commercial Drive, Vancouver.  Because I have been put below the poverty line, she see's me at no cost.  So I'm trying to get the word out and help fundraise for them as a way of giving back.  When all the dust settles, I plan to volunteeer to show my gratitude and pay it forward.

Living for today, living in the moment, grateful for any fleeting peace,

Moll.

A new fright today....already dealing with my hubby's speech challenges, but now it is noticeable he is having the odd challenge with simple tasks that used to come easily....like how to clean up after the dog....no invert bag....but laid bag beside offending material... I am so very scared of how this will progerss...but I'm so afraid to know....prefer to cross each bridge as it comes.  Major denial or smart choice?

Thanks Moll.

ps: sorry it's all about me....meant to say I hope this finds you well.