Hi again.
I am usually an extremely private person but powerful grief can change things. Inspired by a fellow contirbutor, I have decided to show you the start of a journal I have started for my own benefit. I keep it on my computer and will keep adding to it. I don't know if I will share more but this is a start and I hope it will help someone..
"Stuff I say"
Please forgive any spelling mistakes. I had to remove my glasses, you will understand.
Moving forward, one of my many visits to the website http://www.virtualhospice.ca has led me to write this. A fellow contributor experiencing grief had indicated that writing things down had helped her.
If you choose to visit the website my post is titled “Just Don’t Know Anymore”. At the time I thought this was an apt title. Still, now, at the time I am writing this it is still quite accurate.
My loving wife, Barbara, passed on October 15, 2018. This is exactly twenty-eight years and one month to the day when we met. As cliché as it may sound it is absolutely true. the moment we met we fell in love. I have loved her with all my heart since that moment. We had a wonderful life together and spent every moment we could in each other’s company. I mean this literally. We would do everything together. We enjoyed each other’s company and cared so deeply for each other. That is part of the reason our parting is so difficult.
Over the past months, I have frequently visited the virtual hospice and read articles submitted by follow members dealing with similar circumstances such as my own. Too their credit, they are a caring group of people who seek solace sharing with each other. For this, I am eternally grateful. It is this spirit that helps me in my time of need. Visiting the site, unfortunately, is only a temporary reprieve from the pain that infiltrates my every day life. Temporary but very needed and welcome.
To continue with my journal, I am writing this Saturday March 23, 2019 around 1:30 pm (just incase I have more entries…I don’t know). Currently, I am having a moment. Those who experience them know what they are, uncontrollable ‘moments’ of grief, crying, sadness, and depression. It is this current moment that I have chosen to document the events as suggested.
At this point, I don’t know what more to write. I hope if you read this that you realize you are not alone. It is a terrible and extremely painful part of our life when we lose the one we love most. I have prayed aloud for help and comfort. I tell my wife, ‘You are my soul mate and I miss you with all my being. Even though we are apart at this time, we will be reunited, and become whole again.’ I know she will greet me when it is my time. Until then I have no choice but to endure. Your kindness inspires me and helps me keep going."