Hello everyone, I have struggled with starting to put anything in this forum. I have struggled for a long time with finding help for myself. My wife has stage four neuroendocrinologie carcinoid. Some say she is the lucky one as she now feels the pains and problems of the top 10% because 90% of those who have this are already dead.
The system where I live leaves it hard to find somone with a common situation. I was invited to speak to a lady who’s husband died a few years ago, but only after one visit she called it off because she had not been at piece with her husbands death and talking with me brought it all back. Next I tried a professions. The first one had piles of files four feet high in her den/office, her daughter was home sick stomping around above us, her cat was in heat growling looking through her French glass doors at me and the therapist spent 40 min out of our hour making sure she had all the paper work filled in so she would get paid... I never went back. I was lined up with a fellow who’s wife passed away... in 1978. He was 88 years old now and remarried for 20 some years.
Next my wifes oncologist set me up with an out of town therapist. I looked her up on a site that reviews Dr,s by their patience and she did not fair well because of her failure to communicate with her clients, but I gave it a try and emailed her my situation. Then I heard nothing for two weeks and sent another which it took her more time to respond. It just got worse from there, so I gave up on finding trying. It has been six months later now and I am lost and tired from these disappointments.
There is lots of conversation about ladies and how they deal with their husbands death or dying but for a number of reasons not a lot for husbands losing their wives. My wife and I both have medical backgrounds which as you all know sometimes makes you see too much in test results etc. My wife is in her 40’s and is amazing. We communicate a lot about all aspects of the cancer and test results what’s next about us. But I find there are things I try and understand but don’t. There are feelings and thoughts that come up and then disappear again. I know everybody’s situation is subjective and individual to them.
I really struggle with the anticipatory grief. I show my love for her in the things I do and say but more and more her pain is so great with the neurological part of the cancer is so strong a hug hurts too much to do. I am trying to understand what she needs or is going through but much of it she does not know either.
I have read many articles but you all know our combined experiences out weighs the words in all the books written.
Thank you for taking your valuable time to read this, any insight would be appreciated